Abundance of Joy

It's been awhile, and it shall continue...

2011-08-17T17:12:00.000-07:00

The last time I wrote a blog was in January...JANUARY!! WOW.

Needless to say, it's been awhile.
When I started this blog, I started it as a way to begin anew and share with the important people in my life, my life. I hope I succeeded in my efforts.

My life transformed in January. I transformed in January. The desire that was once there, the desire to share with everyone what was happening, ceased to exist. Suddenly my desire was to spend time with my husband, growing, laughing, learning. And I didn't feel pulled to share any of that with anyone...well, I didn't feel pulled to share it with anyone as simply "Lindsey". The desire gradually shifted to one of wanting to share with those people important in "our" lives, from the perspective of "us" and not just "me".

As the past few months have FLOWN by, we decided to start a new blog. So, as I close one chapter (this blog) and start a new chapter with my co-author (the new blog) I invite all of you lovely souls that have taken this journey with me to continue the journey, in a new format :)

So there we have it. A new blog.
After all, "the view of two earnest souls is better than one." ~Shoghi Effendi

Check "us" out at http://buildingafortress.tumblr.com/

Thank you all!!!
Loving you eternally.
Lindsey

surprised by myself

2011-01-27T13:55:00.000-08:00

In May of 2007 I went to South Africa for two weeks as part of a Diplomatic Delegation made of 49 students from the US. We went to learn about the culture of South Africa and more specifically we went to learn about the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. I didn't know anything about the TRC prior to my time in South Africa and since then it's become the motivating force behind my chosen direction in life...

Recently I started re-reading my journal from the time I spent there, and it's interesting how easy it has been to loose sight of how truly remarkable I am. I say that, not from a place of arrogance, but from a place of humility. I recognize, on a daily basis, the beauty, nobility, wisdom and light in others, yet I fail to witness this beauty, nobility, wisdom and light in myself just as regularly. Sometimes it takes a reminder, like re-reading a journal, to reawaken to my own grace. So I say this not to toot my own horn, but to urge you to stand in front of a mirror (literal or figurative) and re-examine your beauty, your nobility, your wisdom and your light. It's there, I know others see it, so remind yourself of it, and carry yourself through this day KNOWING your grace, its Source and its purpose.

My grace comes from my Lord and the purpose of said grace is to serve His servants...I strive to know my beauty, nobility, wisdom and light, because in knowing these attributes, which are ultimately attributes of God, I recognize my capacity as a servant; I move through my day honoring not only the God I see in others, but also in myself. And if we are really one family (which I believe with ALL of my heart), my recognition that I am an equal recipient of God's grace is what, today, enables me to dance through life with all of you as we spin and swirl and glide toward our universal destiny.

The Guardian of the Baha'i Faith, Shoghi Effendi (grandson of 'Abdu'l-Baha) wrote the following excerpts about the destiny of the world and the duty of the believers in Baha'u'llah to uphold and participate in this destiny...this is what inspires me to recognize my innate worth.

"...then will the planet, galvanized through the universal belief of its dwellers in one God, and their allegiance to one common Revelation,...be...acclaimed as the earthly heaven, capable of fulfilling that ineffable destiny fixed for it, from time immemorial, by the love and wisdom of its Creator.
Our(followers of Baha'u'llah)...duty, however confused the scene, however dismal the present outlook, however circumscribed the resources we dispose of, [is] to labor serenely, confidently, and unremittingly to lend our share of assistance, in whichever way circumstances may enable us, to the operation of the forces which, as marshaled and directed by Bahá'u'lláh, are leading humanity out of the valley of misery and shame to the loftiest summits of power and glory."
~The Promised Day is Come, p. 123

Shoghi Effendi goes on to say that "...one thing and only one thing will unfailingly and alone..." enable us to advance humanity during this dark time, and that is "...the extent to which our own inner life and private character mirror forth in their manifold aspects the splendour of those eternal principles proclaimed by Bahá'u'lláh."

So if I'm not recognizing the qualities and attributes of God that are latent within me, I am not going to bring them into the world. I can see them in everyone around me, honor what I am seeing and acknowledge the worth of every other person I come in contact with, but if I am not honoring and acknowledging my own worth, it cannot, to its fullest capacity, be expressed in the world.

Honoring and acknowledging my nobility does not mean that I view myself as better than anyone, that is actually the antithesis of what I am speaking about. To truly honor my nobility I have to, in the utmost sincerity of my heart, acknowledge where it comes from...my Creator. Therefore it is not actually mine, it is His, and I am here to manifest His light, His glory, His beauty, His wisdom, etc., into the world. This recognition that takes place within my heart is a process I've been undergoing my entire life, and it will (by the grace of God) continue for as long as I live.

So, as I continue reading the thoughts I had a couple years ago while I was in Africa, I am reminded of my nobility, the Light of God within me, and the significance and insignificance of my existence resonated just a bit deeper within my soul.

Gratitude. Pure gratitude.

prayer

2011-01-21T12:15:00.000-08:00

"And he that raiseth therein the call to prayer, his voice will be lifted up unto Paradise."
~Baha'u'llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, p. 178

What is prayer? Is it the recitation of words from a book? Is it the attitude you carry in your heart? Is it the purity with which you supplicate your Lord? Is it your work? Is it your art? Your life?

YES.
I believe so anyway.

Before I became a Baha'i I didn't have any experience with prayer in the traditional sense. In many of the world's religions there are specific prayers that are recited whether in communal or private worship. Some of these prayers involve movements, some involve offerings and rituals, while others involve quiet contemplation. Each of these forms of prayer are beautiful as the origination of all is an intention to connect with our Creator.

While I was growing up, religion wasn't much a part of my life. My parents had differing viewpoints and therefore God wasn't talked about much, yet, even with the absence of a dialogue about the Divine I felt a the presence of something greater than myself anytime I went outside. I grew up on an acreage in Iowa, and of the 5 acres we had, half of it was a forest. I spent a lot of time in those trees. Looking back I wasn't conscious (or maybe I was unconsciously conscious) of what I was doing, learning, feeling, but now I can see that every time I was with those trees I was connecting to something greater than myself, the trees, the sky, all I knew. Is that prayer? Even though I didn't say or think anything? I think so. In those moments my mind was at peace, my heart was open and I was in awe. It was in that internal space that I felt something larger than myself empower me, embolden me, inspire me.

Many years later, when I was learning about the Baha'i Faith, I started having that same experience as I encountered Baha'u'llah and His son 'Abdu'l-Baha through reading and conversation. As I investigated Baha'u'llah's teachings I would be overwhelmed with a feeling of empowerment and inspiration. It wasn't until many years after that that I was able to connect the dots and recognize that that feeling I had as a child wandering through the trees was the very same feeling that welled up within me as I read and spoke about who Baha'u'llah is and what He taught. Again, this internal state of openness and love was an encouragement that didn't come from outside of myself, it came from within me, from my own heart. As I read Baha'u'llah's writings (including prayers that He and 'Abdu'l-Baha revealed) I would find myself continually elevated. I felt as at home with these words as I did with the trees. How is this possible? How is it possible for a little girl to be emboldened by trees and years later in life feel that same inspiration through the written word? I believe it is because both the trees and the words written by Baha'u'llah come from the same Source. God, the Unknowable Essence, however you know our Higher Power, speaks to each of His children in the language each child is created to respond too. I happen to respond to nature and Baha'u'llah's words. It may be different for you, and that is part of the beauty of this world.

One of the things I've come to understand for myself over the years is that prayer is not only words to be recited, it is also a state of being. Our thoughts, our actions and our words are all our prayer, for prayer is a yearning to be closer to that which we were created for and a desire to connect with He who created us. In the Baha'i Faith there is a prayer that Baha'i's are called upon to recite daily:

"I bear witness, O my God, that Thou hast created me to know Thee and to worship Thee. I testify, at this moment, to my powerlessness and to Thy might, to my poverty and to Thy wealth. There is none other God but Thee, the Help in Peril, the Self-Subsisting."

In this prayer it is said that we, as humans, have been created to know and worship God. I believe this means that worship/prayer is part of our design, it is something that is natural, like breathing. We don't have to think about it for it to be happening. So in our very nature we worship God. Just as in breathing, we can become more and more conscious of how we support our breathe, we can also become more and more conscious of how we worship our Lord. As a little girl in the trees I was worshiping God without knowing it, I stood in awe of His glory and majesty effortlessly. As time has continued to pass, and I have grown and learned, faltered and developed, I have expanded my awareness of my connection to the planet, to humanity, to my own soul and to my Creator, and through all of that my ability to worship my Lord has also increased.

'Abdu'l-Baha, the son of the Founder of the Baha'i Faith said "Verily He answereth him who prayeth unto Him, and is near unto him who calleth on Him," and "to be humble in your attitude towards God, to be constant in prayer to Him, so [that we] grow daily nearer to God."

How can we do this? How can we create an internal state of prayer?

'Abdu'l-Baha also said that "Work done in the spirit of service is the highest form of worship." and that "Art is worship." As I've continued to expand my recognition of what prayer is my ability to maintain an internal state of prayer has grown. I now see prayer as carrying an awareness that all I do is a service. If I am working, if I am creating, if I am studying, etc, I am praying. If I remain conscious and offer this work, this creation, this learning in the spirit of service I am supporting my breathe persay, growing in my ability to worship through recognizing that all I am, all I offer, is worship. Not because it's a task I have to accomplish, but because it's in my very nature to do so.

Now, I do my best to carry myself in a state of prayer. Acknowledging my thoughts are my prayer, my actions are my prayer, my work is my prayer, all I create is an offering of worship, etc. And when I am having a challenging time I remember the following...

"The virtues and attributes pertaining unto God are all evident and manifest, and have been mentioned and described in all the heavenly Books. Among them are trustworthiness, truthfulness, purity of heart while communing with God, forbearance, resignation to whatever the Almighty hath decreed, contentment with the things His Will hath provided, patience, nay, thankfulness in the midst of tribulation, and complete reliance, in all circumstances, upon Him. These rank, according to the estimate of God, among the highest and most laudable of all acts. All other acts are, and will ever remain, secondary and subordinate unto them...."
~Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 290

All of these virtues are considered acts, and these acts are ranked among the most laudable of all acts. Purity of heart while communing with God is the essence of all I am writing about. So, as long as I remain honest with myself, my heart will be pure, the doors to my soul will remain open and I will grow in my capacity to honor our Lord by living a life of constant prayer.

the fortress

2011-01-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

I've written about intuition, transformation, growth, my Faith, my journey and lessons I've learned over the last year and a half.

Once in a great while something beyond miraculous happens. I've been fortunate to have experienced the miraculous on a pretty regular basis, however the most recent miracle is one that not only confirms all the previous ones, but makes all the future ones possible.

On October 19th, at the Baha'i House of Worship, just a few hours before the Birth of the Bab celebration, I met a man, an extraordinary man who not only captivated me but awoke parts of me within a simple and truly profound moment. On the 19th I walked into the visitor's center, where I used to work a few years ago, and saw him sitting, waiting to train as a guide. While I ate my lunch with the staff, he received his training and I listened to his story...
I didn't realize it until a few days later, but from the moment before I met him I was already aware of him. It was like before I walked into the visitor's center I knew something significant was about to happen. Then, when I did meet him I found myself incredibly aware of him, his every move, glance, topic of conversation, the way he carried himself, spoke, etc. At this point in my life I wasn't looking for a man to be my partner, I was in the process of falling in love with myself and in the past it was incredibly challenging for me to do both, fall in love with me and a man, at the same time. Because of this feeling that he was going to be important to me, and the simultaneous feeling that I didn't want him to be, I began to look for a reason why he shouldn't be important to me. This conversation with many over lunch expanded into a one on one conversation on the steps of the Temple that lasted for three hours. The following few days I met him at the Temple to continue our conversations, which were incredibly elevated, spiritual, joyful, enlightening and never ending. All the while I was looking for a reason for him to not be "good" or "right" for me. It wasn't a conscious quest, it was something I realized a bit after we met.

Over the course of the few days, while he was in town for work, I learned that not only was there no reason to speak of as to why I shouldn't give him a chance, I was finding myself feeling more and more...me.
You know how many of us have this idea of who we are, and we struggle to live up to that idea on a daily basis? Well, that idea of who I am was manifesting itself the more time I spent with him. One of the days he was there we ended up spending the entire day together, along with a couple friends. We sat in the gardens of the House of Worship for hours, praying and talking about topics we are both interested in, psychology, gender equality, truthfulness, etc. Then all four of us went downtown to where he was going to be staying for work to hang out and get dinner. He and I decided to go somewhere other than our friends so we set out. While we walked and talked I was still keeping my distance, searching for that reason to prove he wasn't safe for me, all the while feeling more like Lindsey than I ever have before. I felt respected and appreciated, I felt strong and wise, I felt centered and calm and I felt myself radiate brighter and brighter. After dinner we walked to Grant Park to meet up with a few more people and as I found myself able to talk about personal things, things I'm not proud of or things I would have wanted to hide from someone for fear of being judged, I felt safe. I felt safe. In that moment I allowed myself to look into his eyes, and as I did I saw something I didn't know was possible. I saw myself. I saw myself the way he saw me and it moved me so deeply, so profoundly it brings me to tears as I write this. I saw my beauty, my light, my grace and my purity reflected back with such clarity, such sincerity that I also saw him, his love, his truth, his light and his nobility. In a split second, time disappeared, and I felt God's love for me engulf me and I completely recognized the perfection of my entire life, past, present and future. In that moment he offered to pay for my hotel for Pilgrimage, those of you who know me know that going on Pilgrimage is something I've been dreaming of for years. His offer to pay for my hotel was in exchange for a painting, and I could just tell that there was no motive other than he wanted to be of service and see me happy. As I had been searching for reasons for him to not be a potential partner I had been given every reason, and the ultimate reason, to give him a chance. This man, without any effort on his part, was helping me fall in love with myself, helping me recognize my worth, my nobility. He was valuing me not because he wanted something from me, but because he saw something beautiful in me that he wanted to support.

At this point I was still on lock down, not letting him in, but open to learning more about him after he left Chicago. He offered to fly down for my birthday and after prayers I told him I needed to be honest and that I wasn't looking for anything more than a friendship, and after some prayers of his own he decided to go to a sweat in North Dakota out of respect for me and himself. Here again, I felt such reassurance that it was okay to open to him because he was, without effort, showing me his strength of character and dedication to service to himself and others.

We continued to have conversations, each one more elevated than the last until on November 2nd the door opened for me to visit with a couple friends. That visit turned into an extended stay. Each day I've spent time with him I've experienced confirmation upon confirmation. Each time I look in his eyes I recognize I'm home, I've found my safe place to serve from. It is with his love and support, his respect for me, for himself and for others that, by the grace of God, I've been allowed to shine. He doesn't allow me to shine...it's that I feel safe enough to allow myself to shine. I don't feel judged, I don't fear that he will abandon me, I don't doubt his dedication to the union we are setting out to create together. He does not complete me, he creates a space where I can recognize my completeness completely. He is my partner, the one I will travel all the worlds of God with, the one who, if it ever comes to pass, I will approach my Beloved with and express the unending gratitude I carry in my heart for His love, His guidance, His Perfect Plan, His light, His mercy, justice and compassion.

So it comes to pass. I, Lindsey Marie Lugsch, have accepted a man, Adam Paul Tehle, as the one who I can best serve my Lord with. Together we will stand from within the fortress we create and offer service to the world as best as we can. I am both in love with this man's soul and my own. I stand in awe of God's majesty every moment, for the deepest desire of my heart is to serve Him from a place of certitude and strength. Adam's presence in my life not only supports and reinforces my service, but his presence shines light, alongside mine, on the path we will walk together, side by side, until the end that hath no end.

Everything about that is miraculous.

well now.

2010-12-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

It's sort of strange to be writing again. I feel I've been going through so much lately, and not sharing--not because I don't want too, but because I don't know where to start.

I'm still in St Peter Minnesota. It's cold here, yet I'm warm. My heart is warm. My soul is warm. So the fact that my body is cold doesn't seem to matter, because my spirits are high.

Back when I was living in LA I was continually going through growing pains. And they were painful; super painful, yet absolutely necessary. When I left LA I went up to Portland for school and ended up spending most of my time either in my room, working on homework or outside, soaking up the beauty of the area. Being focused on school and also spending quality time with nature gave me a much needed break from the strain of the painful, yet necessary growing pains of the previous two years. I was still growing, however it wasn't as painful. This was due to the realization that I don't have to grow through pain, I can always choose joy. Part of what contributed to the pain in LA was that I was feeling pressure, internally and externally, to be more than I felt I was at the time. In Portland there was no pressure, I could progress at my own pace without fear that I wasn't growing 'fast enough'. Then, suddenly, I decided to change directions and leave Portland. I took some time to travel, first with a dear friend of mine, and then on my own. I visited friends and family; I smiled, laughed, ran on a trampoline, rode the zipper, took photos and spent time with the mountains and the valleys. I ended up in Chicago where I spent a couple months staying with some of the most generous souls I know. These two sweet women opened their hearts and their home to me and welcomed me in with no strings attached. I spent a lot of time laughing, laughing and laughing some more. I went to the Baha'i House of Worship as often as I could. I prayed, I took more photos, I visited with friends, and all the while I kept growing--at my own pace.

About a month.5 ago I left Chicago on a whim and have yet to return. I've been learning and growing so much, it's been intense, there's been pressure. But the difference between this pressure and the pressure I felt in LA is that it's based in joy. It's based in a love for myself that I didn't know while I was living there. It's based in a respect for my own Self that I've developed, thanks to my time in Portland. And it's based on feeling respected by the person I'm spending most of my time with these days. So even though I'm feeling challenged, the challenges I'm facing are filled with love and light. These challenges are leading to growth, just like all challenges do, the difference is that they are based in virtue and service and not selfishness and neediness.

So I'm feeling multiple things. I'm feeling unbelievable grateful for the people who were major parts of my life while I was in LA because I know it wasn't easy to see me, experience me, or know me as I was there. If it wasn't for each of you I wouldn't be where I am, as I am now, so thank you. Thank you for your contributions to my growth, however painful it was.
I'm also feeling grateful for the time I spent in Portland, with the trees, mountains, waterfalls, ocean waves and rainy skies. I'm grateful for the two beautiful souls who accompanied me during my time there. Your presence made all the difference. After all, sharing the trees, mountains, waterfalls, ocean waves and rainy skies is what it's all about :)
I'm feeling grateful for the friends in Chicago, you've taught me deeper levels of generosity, kindness, respect, love, compassion, integrity and selflessness. All of these virtues have enabled me to open my heart more and more, so that I might receive, as well as give, from a pure place. Thank you.
And I'm feeling grateful to the two souls who have been with me through it all, since even before I moved to LA. To the two of you ~ I love you. Your presence in my life has enabled me to not only love others more deeply, truly and profoundly, but it's enabled me to honestly love myself. Thank you both, for being who you are.

So now, I'm still in St Peter. I'm figuring out my next steps. I'm approaching the appropriate people regarding those next steps. I'm praying. I'm practicing patience and detachment. I'm receiving and receiving and receiving. I'm humbled. I'm serving. I'm growing. I'm joyful. I'm awakening. I'm awed by the majesty of life and the way it unfolds. I'm grateful, ever atom of my being is grateful to God for all that is, all I am, all I feel and know and love and don't know and am still learning and have yet to even begin to learn and I'm thankful multiplied by infinity for all of eternity for being noble and insignificant all at once...

what's up?

2010-11-19T13:42:00.000-08:00

Where have I been lately? What have I been up too? Who am I with? How am I surviving?

These are questions I've been hearing from all sides lately. They are good questions, and hearing them leads me to feel truly loved and cared for. I feel so blessed to have so many friends and family looking out for me.

On November 2nd I found myself free to roam, and it just so happened that two dear friends were also able to roam...so we set out for Minneapolis with the intention of returning to Chicago in two days. Well, it is now the 19th and I'm still in Minnesota. The past two weeks have been filled with travel, the breaking down of walls and barriers around my heart, a recognition of what it ACTUALLY looks like for a woman to have "free will", endless opportunities to be of service to new and life-long friends and family, realization upon realization of who I am at my core and how certain people help bring that out in me without any effort and how I am able to do the same for them.

I traveled to Fargo, North Dakota and Persia, Iowa. In each place I visited family, felt at home, loved, cared for, humbled beyond belief and accepting of that which was being offered to me.

I've witnessed the blossoming of a beautiful soul, she's been stepping into herself, growing by leaps and bounds, honoring her nobility, respecting where she is in her soul's journey Home, and being patient with herself as she sorts through this process. And even though much of it is painful and ugly, she is presenting herself with grace and poise. It's such an honor to witness, to hold space for and recognize the beauty in this process, this breakdown, this transformation.

I've witnessed the healing possible when a man stands as a champion for women. The healing possible for both men and women when a man honors and respects that which he sees in the women around him. It melts my heart to see the service this man is offering the world, one heart at a time, by simply being who he is. He's a true servant, a loyal and devoted follower of Baha'u'llah. This level of certitude comes with it's own set of tests, and he is facing them with strength and dedication. It's been one of the greatest bounties of my life to be present for his service, his growth, his love and compassion.

As for me, I now, wholeheartedly, claim my free will for myself, I don't expect this statement to make as deep of an impact on anyone as it does on me. It is, afterall, a lifetime journey to get here. But to be in a position where I can 100%, honestly say that I have the right to choose for myself the life I live is the greatest freedom, the hugest relief, the most humbling and gratifying experience I've ever had. What this means is that I've healed the wounds I've carried with me regarding my relationship with God, with His Messengers and with my parents. I no longer feel that I will be disappointing my Creator if I don't do what someone else thinks/knows/argues is right for me. This is how I had, up until recently, been living my life. Now, I KNOW what's best for me. This is true Justice. And I don't just know this logically, I've always known that, but I am experiencing it viscerally, I feel it, I KNOW from a deep deep space in my soul that my life is mine and the choices I make are mine, and the will of God for me will come to me, through me. Through ME.

"O SON OF SPIRIT!
The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes."
~Baha'u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words #2

Baha'u'llah said "neglect it not that I may confide in thee" this is what I am refering too when I say that God's Will for me will come to me, through me. He will confide in ME. He will provide for me that which my spirit needs. He said "by its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes...know of thine own knowledge" I've been living my life seeking input from others, not trusting my inner guidance system, since before I can remember. And FINALLY, I get it. I've read this quote hundreds of time, HUNDREDS and now I am not just professing that I understand it, I am completely living it. I am living my life seeing through my own eyes, knowing through my own knowledge, trusting that God will guide me from within mySelf.

This does not mean I don't care what others say, I very much care what others say. And I will continue to listen to the perspective of everyone else around me because it helps me to learn and grow. The distinction here is that I will not let something someone else says squash my own voice anymore. My voice is strong now (interestingly I have a sore throat for the first time in YEARS) and my sense of trust is keen. I've always known what's best for me, I just haven't trusted it fully. I needed other people to validate it for me in order to move forward with anything. I've been provided the BEST tests for this particular challenge and finally, I've come out the other side. I'm breathing a deep sigh of relief, laughing and dancing as the snow falls on my face, looking toward the heavens and opening up in gratitude for the life God has given me. It is after all my life, the one and only of it's kind. And it's my choice what I do with it.

And my choice will forever be to follow joy, serve according to my capacity and love.

Sacred Space

2010-11-10T10:25:00.000-08:00

I have had the undeserving privilege of being witness to one of the most beautiful and sacred things I've ever encountered.

I've recently come to know, in varying degrees, four unique men. These men live in different cities across the country and their spiritual connection is stronger and more profound than any I've had the bounty of experiencing before. These souls come together every day, EVERY DAY, over the phone. They take time out of their lives, across different timezones, to have a very special devotional. Each one of them shares a prayer, a reading, a poem, a quote - something that inspires them. It sounds simple enough, and yet there is something so vastly different about this gathering than any other I've come across. These four men are embodying compassion, love, generosity, the search for Truth, the willingness to express and experience vulnerability and to grow by leaps and bounds through it. They are all so loving toward each other. Each one mirrors so perfectly the beauty they see in the others, and because the mirror of each soul is so unique the reflections they each receive are more complete, more pristine and more clear. There is a build, a sacred space created that exists beyond time and space, a moment that carries each of them through the day.

This is what I long for. These four men are showing me how to live my life as though each moment, each breath, each word was created to reflect the beauty of God in everyone. They have made an abstract thought, a beautiful notion, a radiant idea into the most tangible example of how to "be" that I've ever had the blessing to observe, participate in, and be refreshed by.

Thank you all, for your love, prayers and inspiration. Thank you all for being.
It is changing the world, one heart at a time.

falling

2010-10-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

Do you ever say to yourself..."wow, I'm feeling good! I feel like I've got a handle on things!" and then God gently reminds you that you, in fact, don't?

I love it when that happens : )

I'm currently falling in love with myself...
...thanks God, thanks for the gentle reminder that this NEEDS to happen right now. Not later, now.

I used to feel that these reminders were not so gentle, but my approach to life has drastically changed and with each new test I feel joy and gratitude, confidence and certitude, openness and trust and love.

So I say to you, find a way to look forward to those gentle reminders from the realm above, they might just lead you to fall in love with yourSelf. The world needs more of us to truly love, respect and appreciate who we are. This is how we will change the world ~ one heart at a time...starting with our own.

i offer gratitude...in no particular order : )

2010-10-21T00:59:00.000-07:00

Below, in no particular order, I have written my gratitude to those souls that have impacted my life in this past year. This is only a grain of sand out of the entire beach of gratitude I am feeling.

mom~Thank you for everything. The fact that you have been supportive of the choices I have been making and the experiences I have been having has made such an impact on me and made this past year all the more joyful. You are so devoted to teaching the Faith and sharing your love of Baha'u'llah with everyone by being an example, you are an example. I'm so very blessed to call you my momma, I love you.

dad~Daddy, I think of you every day. I know we don't talk often, but the love and respect I have for you is so large it makes me explode into tears. I love you.

Poopie~Yeah, Kelsey, I love you sooooooooo ridiculously much it's unwordable. You are a light in this world and to have you as my sister...well, you'll understand in the next world how special you are to my soul. I treasure you so very much.You light up any room by simply being a presence in that room, that's how special you are.

Jessica G~Your support, your guidance, your willingness to hold space for me to process life has been an absolutely indescribable bounty. AND witnessing your sparkle, experiencing your grace and feeling how you are owning your purpose is such a gift, truly. I'm honored to call you my sister.

Jinous K~YOU ARE AMAZING!!! Jinous, your encouragement has helped me blossom, I'm so thankful to have you in my heart and to see you stepping into yourself more and more every day. You are such a brilliant star and Los Angeles is transformed by your presence. I love you so very much.

Katie B~You ability to make me laugh at all times is such a gift. Katie, you have been such an inspiration in my life, your ability to be honest with me about everything you are experiencing has assisted me in being honest as well. Thank you for being my BBFITWWW. I love you.

Paith M~No words, except maybe hoohah. Your witnessing my growth over this last year has been an undeniable influence on me. Your poise and ability to remain joyful through all of everything brings me to my knees. Your light shines so brightly my dear. It's a real honor to see you Beautiful.

Nura M~Your total generosity of spirit has unburdened my soul. I stand in awe of your ability to offer assistance to anyone and everyone you meet. Watching you at the Temple brings such joy to my heart I cannot contain myself and I feel so blessed to have you as a spiritual sister, LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!

Emily P~You really are a gem. I am constantly reminded of what it means to be a servant when I am in your presence. Laughing with you, in your home, is a solace to my heart. You are a joy, sweet and sincere, truthful and pure. I'm especially fond of you : )

Husayn A~If there ever was a person I didn't have words to express my appreciation for. You are that person. Thank you, from the depths of all I am, for everything.

Collin W~Sometimes, when I'm looking up lolcats, I think of you and how special you are. I wish I could convey how important you are to me, how much I love you and how integral you have been in the growth I have undergone this year. Your ability to hold space for people to "be" is out-of-this world transformative. Thank you.

Adam T~People come into our lives at the exact moment they are meant too, and you are no exception. Thank you for calling people to higher levels of self-awareness. Your curious and compassionate nature is unique as well as significant, you have so much to offer the world. love.

Mona M~Your authenticity is soul-stirring, even from halfway across the country. I love you for constantly striving to love everyone more. You are an incredible gift to the world my dearest, I'm so honored to know you.

Melanie C~Your support and understanding of who I am and what I've been learning about myself has been instrumental in my growth. You are such a beacon of love and acceptance and I'm soo humbled by your friendship. I love you lots!

Melissa D~Watching you blossom has been such a light to my heart. You are an amazingly supportive and compassionate woman. Your ability to recognize injustice has helped me so much. Thank you, I love you.

David P~Guac and comics David, Guac and comics. (I say this ONLY for you) I fart on you.

Jon E~You are such a pure heart, I love you always. (I say this only for you) I don't fart.

Bradford B~I've grown because you've been in my life. Talking with you about Baha'u'llah and our love for Him sustained me, aided me and cultivated within me a courage I hadn't yet discovered. Your desire to never give up and always try is a remarkable gift I will treasure forever.

Abby C~You are a radiant and amazing young woman. Your love for everyone and your continuous smiles bring me so much happiness!! I LOVE YOU!!

Zac C~Every time we talk I feel so happy! You have such a kind heart, you always have, and seeing you happy makes my heart sing. Love you so much!

Mark H~Your support and encouragement is humbling. I'm so appreciative of your presence in my life.

Grandma B~Seeing you this year was such a wonderful treat, you are such an exceptionally strong woman and your heart is so loving. I love you so very much.

Grandma D~Your reflections of me move me to tears, I am humbled by you and inspired by you and I love you so much. Your sparkle is so grand.

Jessica D~You are a beaming brilliant ball of joy and I love you to pieces!!! Your constant happiness is truly an inspiration.

Kristin D~You really are a wonderful young woman and having the opportunity to know you more this last year has been such a gift. You are so pure and special : ) I love you.

Cindy L~You are an angel of strength and you have always encouraged me. I love you so much and my love for you grows every day.

Wendy P~ I love you. You are a source of strength and humor and you are such a loving and hospitable woman. I'm so grateful to have you in my life.

Erin C~You are a remarkable woman, full of love for and devotion too your family. I'm so happy I was able to spend some time with you. Thank you for your generosity and selflessness. I love you.

Marah L~Beautiful, strong, determined, loving, compassionate and always searching for light. I'm grateful for your love.

Tessah L~You are a joy and light my dearest!!! Watching you grow up has been a true treasure of my heart. I love you.

Cori P~Your openness and willingness to do the dance moves I choreograph as well as hear the things that have been happening in my life lately helps me feel safe. I love you Cori, and I look forward to seeing your red tights.

Keli P~Wrestling pigs with you and growing up with you, watching you blossom into a remarkable young lady has been so wonderful! I love you so much!

Jennifer J~Your joy and delight in life is a guidepost for me. I love you greatly and am so inspired by your ability to find the good in everything.

Grandpa D~I'm loving you always and knowing you are in the Abha Kingdom watching out for all of us makes me feel safe and protected, for your hands were strong here and I know they are strong where ever you are now.

Grandpa B~I know this last year has been hard for you, but know that I love you and I think of you often. You are in my prayers.

Andrew J~Your trust and openness with me is one of the greatest gifts of my life. I'm so honored to have you as a spiritual brother and to have witnessed your light shining over the years. You are a remarkable husband to Erin and a true friend. So much love.

Erin J~You are a bright light that will never fade. Having your friendship and seeing the way you have handled the tests in your life is a true inspiration. I am awed by your sense of justice and the tact you use when seeking justice. Thank you for your love. I love you.

Hari W~You are a ray of sunshine that come from the other side of the globe, one that reaches to such amazing heights and extends every-which-way, and I feel engulfed by your love and I appreciate all you are so very very much. I love you.

Ania H~You are a dancing dewdrop and I love being around you. Thank you for your purity and compassion. LOVE!!!

Annie W~Your presence shines through the darkness of this world and creates light where many think there is none. I'm so loving you!!

Zach W~When I think of a pure heart, I think of you. I'm so happy to have spent time with you in Portland, you are such a generous soul. Lots of love.

Ari K~Knowing you and experiencing your wit, charm and love of all things comical has been such a gift. You were one of the first people to ever really "see" me, and I am so grateful that you mirrored what you saw back to me. You've played such an instrumental part in my life because you manifest a desire to inspire people through joy, and you do, with ease. Love, and more love.

Adam M~I know and love Baha'u'llah more because of you. The thankfulness I feel for all you are and all you offered me will always be. love.

Eric S~You heal me by being you. You have such a desire to better yourself and a true willingness to be honest. I admire you and appreciate your presence in my life. I have a special spot in my heart for you.

Tia H~You are an absolute joy to be around, and to think about : ) Your vision of the Faith and your steadfastness in all you believe is a testament to the amazing wife and mother you are. I honor your service to the Cause and love you so much.

Alex H~You are a generous and radiant person. Your ability to be there for your wife is a quality I admire and respect. Thank you for your hospitality and insight, so much love.

Katrinka E~Sister of my soul. If I could only convey to you the impact you have had on my becoming I might explode as a beam of love that is shot straight to your heart. You are a gift to humanity and I am so humbled and grateful to know you. Love for all time.

Aras E~Knowing a man like you exists in the world brings such solace to my heart. Your compassionate nature and your devotion to serving alongside your lovely wife is a service in itself. Thank you. Love.

Justin B~You have been such a wonderful friend since our first meeting. I have never seen you complain about anyone. The light you carry is a beacon of hope for the world. Love you so much.

Katy L~Your compassion and desire to serve has lead me to so much happiness. I am eternally grateful and I am so inspired by your drive, ambition and creativity. You are changing the world with every breath. I love you deeply!

Belen R~Radiant, thoughtful, beautiful, creative and pure. You are an angel my dear, an angel of determination. I love you so much and am so happy to know your light.

Blake W~You are a serious awesome one. I don't know that I've ever met someone as pure as you, you see the world with such clarity and I really respect you. Love you brother : )

Bonnie D~Complete generosity, absolute dedication to those you love and an ability to love everyone. I love you and am so happy to have spent some time with you.

Kelly D~You are such a gentle man, a beautiful soul and a supportive husband and father. Thank you for everything, I have so much respect for you. I love you.

Louie P~You have, for as long as I've been around, been dedicated to service. I've learned selflessness from you. LOVE YOU!!!

Ryan D~You are such a source of strength for me. You have been through so much and are shining so brightly. I love you.

Kevin D~Thank you for being such a wonderful person. You are such a supportive brother and cousin, son and friend. Love you so much!

Mia D~Oodles of light emanate from you without any effort. I just love you so much!!! You inspire me to be free, and your love for all of God's creatures is a precious gift to the world.

Brian D~I really appreciate you, you have such a calm and loving demeanor and the more time I spend with you the happier I am! LOVE!!

Melissa O~The purest of the pure, I am constantly awed by your compassion and desire to love everyone. Thank you for all you are. I love you so much.

Brian L~All is possible and you embody that understanding. Recognizing your light and knowing you are out in the world sowing seeds of hope and love is so wonderful. love you.

Aaron K~You are a creative channel of amazingness!!! I am SOO supportive of all of the work you are doing. You raise the standard of an authentic and truthful creative process, and it's beautiful. LOVE!

Lisa B~You remind me that God is always with me : ) I'm so touched by your desire to educate children of all things Godly. You have such a passion and gift for connecting to people's heart and I love you so much.

Carl E~Thank you for believing in me, for taking a chance with me and for encouraging me. You have a very special eye, one I trust and admire. Love.

Christina C~You are a source of certitude, your faith and trust in God's will is an inspiration. Thank you and I am so happy for you too!! LOVE!

Patrick C~You have always been so kind and generous. Being in your presence brings me happiness : ) love.

Dan M~I really admire your perseverance, your ability to never give up is a special gift. You have such a sweet spirit :) love.

Suzanne A~I am continually awed by you and your steadfastness. I learn so much from you. Thank you. so much love.

Amia A~You remind me of how to be. You bring me to life : ) I have uncontainable love for you.

Dena B~You shine the way a flower shines, and I love being around you. So much love.

Karen M~I have always appreciated your calm and welcoming demeanor. The services you offer at the Temple and the service you offer as a wife and mother are such inspirations to me :) love.

Erin W~You make me happy, there's no ifs, ands or buts about it! Every experience I have had with you makes me smile, love you dear!

Gavin W~You awakened a part of me I didn't realize was asleep. Thank you for your never-ending service. Love upon love.

Jennie M~You are such a beautiful person and a wonderful mother. I treasure your joyful spirit.

Jennifer R~Your kindness is unforgettable. Thank you for always being so loving and compassionate. I'm so happy to have known your stellar spirit for so long. love you.

Kaitlyn H~You are such a truth-oriented person, I so enjoyed spending time with you and your family and I am so grateful for your warmth and loving spirit. Love!

Kent C~Oh goodness, what can I even say about you Kent, witnessing your amazing transformation over these past few months has been unbelievably rewarding. I'm so happy for you and everything you are working toward. You have determination, desire, trust and clarity. I love you, and am grateful for the time we've spent together.

Lauren H~You are such a sincere, generous, caring and selfless soul. Knowing you has been a bounty and spending time with you a blessing. I love you so much.

Jerod W~I'm so happy you are in Chicago! Thank you for always thinking to include me. You have such a wonderful sense of humor and I look forward to learning more about you! love.

John S~Your supportive nature and encouraging words have been key in my believing in myself. Thank you for sharing your light. love.

Joyce L~You have ALWAYS been supportive of me, from the very moment we met. Honestly, I do not have words to express to you how much I love you and respect your desire to serve in the ways that are true to who you are.

Julie H~Your openness is mind-blowing. I am so honored to know such a strong and loyal maidservant of Baha'u'llah. I love you.

Juliette P~You are a confident, self-assured woman, and I totally love you. I really admire your sense of justice and your no-nonsense approach to life. I'm always so happy when I get to spend time with you : )

Layli S~You've been an inspiration to me, through the unique perspective you have of the world and the devotion you have to your work. I'm so grateful for all you offer the world. love.

Sholeh L~Thank you for being such a strong woman. You stand so tall and you beckon people to the Truth, I've always admired you. love.

Steve F~You are a gem and a joy to be around. You lift people up without any effort, thank you : ) so much!

Ashley L~Your carefree attitude and love for life bring dimension to the world, I so enjoy all you create and share! LOVE!

Touba S~You are a dancer, a beautiful creation and creator and your purity and elegance are inspired. Love, so much love!

Vaimoana H~In one moment you changed my life, the role you have played in the course of my existence is indescribable. It was such a privilege to experience your grace, love and merciful spirit. Love always.

Lesley G~Truthfully, I can't say enough how beautiful you are, inside and out. Knowing you are out in the world, humbly offering your services and asking very little in return is such a special contribution. Thank you love.

Luthando M~You are bright! So very bright and so full of strength. You bring joy where ever you go! love!

Lynda F~I'm so awed by everything you are allowing yourself to experience! Your quest for joy and your dedication to that with you love is a special service. Thank you for bring more joy to the world! love.

Maggie W~Your instant trust in me has opened many doors leading to personal transformation. You are a vivacious and determined woman with a desire to serve the world. Thank you and I love you.

Marty M~Your knowing and sense of purpose is so remarkable. I'm so happy to have had the opportunity to work with you and spend even a little bit of time experiencing your creativity. Thank you so much.

Mary H~You are such a generous hostess, the loving, inviting and beautiful space you created for me will always be treasured. Thank you! love : )

May W~You are a joy, light and special soul!! Being with you makes me feel like singing and dancing. I love you so much!!

Julie W~The amazing gifts you have offered me over the years has led me Home. I'm eternally grateful. I love you.

Nasim F~You bring sunshine everywhere!!! I'm so happy to have met you and experienced your sweetness. So much love!!

Richard B~You are the embodiment of glee, you bring happiness to everyone and your smile melts hearts. It's been an honor and joy to know you. I love you so much!

Nassim B~I'm continually surprised by how loving and welcoming you are. The trust you possess and express is life-changing. I'm so grateful for you love!

Amelia L~Your childlike love and wonder is captivating. Being in the same room with you makes me happy!! Love!

Noora Y~Your grace is enchanting. Thank you for showing the world that the attribute of beauty is all-encompassing, for you truly are an entirely beautiful person and I'm so fortunate to know you. so much love.

Prema P~Your dedication to service and your eagerness to share the joy you find from serving is transforming. Thank you for all you are and all you do : ) Love.

David H~You are such a gentle and service oriented soul, thank you for being so loving and open, and thank you for sharing your gifts with the world. lots of love.

Ruhi E~You shine sooo brightly! I can't help but smile when I see you : ) The love that you share with everyone you see is beautiful, and the joy you bring is enlivening. Thank you so much, and so much love.

Saire J~You are a special and gifted soul. I really feel you have such amazing contributions to make in this world and I can't wait to experience them, cheer you on and stand in awe of all you are, I already do : ) love you!

Saman M~Thank you for hearing me, for sharing your story with me and for supporting my growth. The thirst you have for reaching peoples hearts is fierce and magical. I love you.

Sarah S~You glow, you shine, you radiate, you bring happiness and joy, giggles and glee everywhere you go. Your desire to serve Baha'u'llah and your devotion to Him and His Cause is unfailing. I love you for always.

Thank you to everyone, for everything.

Navvab

2010-09-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

The Baha'i Faith started in Iran. There are two languages the writings of the Faith originated from, Arabic and Persian. Arabic is a gender-specific language, this means that all "things, animate and inanimate, as well as concepts, abstract or otherwise, are either feminine or masculine." While Persian is a language that is gender-neutral and all words, including pronouns are unisex.

In the years up until the 1920's the records of women were not kept in Iran, no birth certificates and no death records. Women were considered property and therefore men did not feel there was any reason to keep records of their births, names, who they were the wives of, the children they had, their passions and hobbies and their deaths.

A woman by the name of Asiyih Khanum was from Iran, the date of her birth is not known. She was the daughter of a man who was known as Navvab, this word is Arabic and it means "deputy" or "noble". This title was a very special title for a man, it meant that he was to be extolled as not only the head of the family, but also as someone others should look to for guidance and wisdom. Her father referred to her as "Navvabih", the appropriate term for a female at the time, as it alluded to her purity, but kept her in the station of a subordinate to her father.

This woman is known and loved by the entire Baha'i population because she was the wife of the Prophet-Founder of the Baha'i Faith, Baha'u'llah. She was the mother of 'Abdu'l-Baha, the Center of the Covenant. She was also the mother of Bahiyyih Khanum, known as the Greatest Holy Leaf and considered the outstanding heroine of the Baha'i Dispensation.

This woman, Asiyih Khanum, was given the title "Navvab" by Baha'u'llah, her husband, the Manifestation all Baha'i's turn toward during our obligatory prayer every day. Baha'u'llah, the One Baha'i's believe is the Supreme Manifestation for this day. Baha'u'llah, a Prophet of God, gave His wife the title "Navvab", a masculine term used to extol a person to not only the head of a family, but also to the station of one all others should turn too for guidance and wisdom. A woman, when all women were considered the property of their husbands, was given a title that glorified her to such a station as no woman of her time could comprehend, that no man could fathom, that her husband, a Manifistation, bestowed upon her, paving the way for the equality of men and women. A principle of the Baha'i Faith that is so highly valued that Baha'u'llah raised the rank and station of His wife to that of the head of His family to showcase to the world the importance and significance of women.

I've spent many years learning as much as I can about the depths to which the principle of the equality of women and men stretches and the implications this principle will have on the structure of society once it is not just accepted but actually practiced. Learning that the Prophet I pray to every day~morning, noon and night~bestowed upon His wife the title that was only bestowed upon men at the time has moved my heart in such a way that words cannot express. The gratitude I feel for my Beloved is so immence, so complete that it takes my breath away.

(The information I've shared in this blog can be found in the book Leaves of the Twin Divine Trees, a 25 year labor of love by Baharieh Rouhani Ma'ani)

pure intent

2010-08-31T11:44:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking about intention lately and I came across this quote
"The heart is a divine trust; cleanse it from the stain of self-love, adorn it with the coronal of pure intent."
~'Abdu'l-Baha, The Secret of Divine Civilization, p. 114

I looked up "coronal" and it means a wreath or garland for the head. Almost like a crown, in that it signifies our nobility and grace, but not exactly like a crown because a garland also denotes joyfulness and celebration as they were usually worn during festivals. So to adorn ourselves with the coronal of pure intent signifies that we should carry the pureness of our intention as a symbol and reminder of our nobility, grace and joy and move through life as though it is a celebration. (That's what I think at this point anyway)

"The spiritually learned must be characterized by both inward and outward perfections; they must possess a good character, an enlightened nature, a pure intent, as well as intellectual power, brilliance and discernment, intuition, discretion and foresight, temperance, reverence, and a heartfelt fear of God."
~"Abdu'l-Baha, The Secret of Divine Civilization, p. 33

SO...there's a lot in that one. Someone who is spiritually learned must be characterized by light, purity, intelligence AND intuition, perception and the freedom to act of one's own accord, moderation, respect and love for, and intense awe of God.

Why must we develop in this capacity?
"O ye loved ones of God! In this, the Bahá'í dispensation, God's Cause is spirit unalloyed. His Cause belongeth not to the material world. It cometh neither for strife nor war, nor for acts of mischief or of shame; it is neither for quarrelling with other Faiths, nor for conflicts with the nations. Its only army is the love of God, its only joy the clear wine of His knowledge, its only battle the expounding of the Truth; its one crusade is against the insistent self, the evil promptings of the human heart. Its victory is to submit and yield, and to be selfless is its everlasting glory. In brief, it is spirit upon spirit."
~'Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 256

We must develop a praise-worthy character so that we may assist God in assisting others to recognize that each one of us, all of us, have the capacity to develop a praise-worthy character.

"To do battle, as stated in the sacred verse, doth not, in this greatest of all dispensations, mean to go forth with sword and spear, with lance and piercing arrow -- but rather weaponed with pure intent, with righteous motives, with counsels helpful and effective, with godly attributes, with deeds pleasing to the Almighty, with the qualities of heaven."
~'Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 260

Humanity is struggling. So many of us are stuck, feeling like we have to be constantly action oriented, forgetting that if we are not consistent in ourselves first our actions will not be as effective. What better way to spread light, than to be the light? And to be the light we have to develop our relationship with our Creator.

"...the indispensable basis of all is that he should develop spiritual characteristics and the praiseworthy virtues of humankind. This is the primary consideration. If a person be unlettered, and yet clothed with divine excellence, and alive in the breaths of the Spirit, that individual will contribute to the welfare of society, and his inability to read and write will do him no harm. And if a person be versed in the arts and every branch of knowledge, and not live a religious life, and not take on the characteristics of God, and not be directed by a pure intent, and be engrossed in the life of the flesh -- then he is harm personified, and nothing will come of all his learning and intellectual accomplishments but scandal and torment.
If, however, an individual hath spiritual characteristics, and virtues that shine out, and his purpose in life be spiritual and his inclinations be directed toward God, and he also study other branches of knowledge -- then we have light upon light: his outer being luminous, his private character radiant, his heart sound, his thought elevated, his understanding swift, his rank noble."
~Baha'i Writings, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 282

ponder..

2010-08-27T00:15:00.000-07:00

"O servants!
Lifeless is the body that is bereft of a soul, and withered the heart that is devoid of the remembrance of its Lord. Commune with the remembrance of the Friend and shun the enemy. Your enemy is such things as ye have acquired of your own inclination, to which ye have firmly clung, and whereby ye have sullied your souls. The soul hath been created for the remembrance of the Friend; safeguard its purity. The tongue hath been created to bear witness to God; pollute it not with the mention of the wayward."
~Baha'u'llah, The Tabernacle of Unity; 4.5

yeah...there's a lot in there.

Independent Investigation

2010-08-20T01:20:00.000-07:00

I am a Baha'i.
As a Baha'i I believe each individual has the right and responsibility to discover for his/herself "the reality of things...no man should follow blindly his ancestors and forefathers. Nay, each must see with his own eyes, hear with his own ears and investigate independently in order that he may find the truth."
Abdu'l-Baha, Divine Philosophy, p. 24

I live in a country where it is not only socially acceptable but culturally encouraged to seek instant gratification and to remain blissfully ignorant. I know many people who tirelessly strive to break through the smoke and mirrors of blind imitation, I am one of them. I've worked very hard to use Justice, as designated by Baha'u'llah, to see through my own eyes and not through the eyes of others.

"O Son of Spirit! The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbour. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behoveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes.
Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 36

In this moment I am struggling with something. I intentionally do not watch the news or read newspapers. I'm not saying everyone should do this, I don't even know if I should do it. I do know that I've been doing this to protect my soul from the burden that hearing and reading about fear and hatred and deceit and pain can cause. I also have been staying away from the news and newspapers because as a Baha'i I abstain from politics and politics seem to be the talk of the town these days/years. (Please do not take this to mean that Baha'i's do not read the paper or watch the news, I am one person, one Baha'i, and this is a personal choice.) And the talk I have heard is not conducive to unity. Unity happens to be the entire point of all of the religions, including the Baha'i Faith, therefore I do not participate in anything that could damage or even stall the momentum I've been building in creating and fostering unity within myself and with all others.

"The attitude of the Bahá'ís must be two-fold, complete obedience to the government of the country they reside in, and no interference whatsoever in political matters or questions."
Shoghi Effendi, Directives from the Guardian, p. 56

This concept can be difficult for some people. Why would a group of unity focused people not be involved in the political realm, considering how the vast majority of the world's population seems to believe that politics is the way to solve all of the world's problems?

I'll tell you! Baha'i's believe that the problems in the world today, all of them, whether economics, education, race relations, international relations, gender equality, equal rights, etc are not going to be solved by political means, but by spiritual means because all of these issues are symptoms of what is really going on throughout the world. What is really going on? It's a spiritual problem. We are disunified. The heart of humanity is broken. Only through unity (a spiritual principle), through the uniting of the entire human family will we see the challenges facing humanity diminish and eventually disappear all together.

"It is my hope that...the unity of truth, through the power of God, will make these illusory differences to vanish away. This is the one essential: for if unity be gained, all other problems will disappear of themselves."
Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 30

So why not politics when religion seems to be creating and adding to a large percentage of disunity?

"If religion becomes the source of antagonism and strife, the absence of religion is to be preferred. Religion is meant to be the quickening life... if it be the cause of death to humanity, its nonexistence would be a blessing and benefit to man. Therefore in this day the divine teachings must be sought, for they are the remedies for the present conditions of the world of humanity.
Abdu'l-Baha, Foundations of World Unity, p. 22

"We must face the fact that society is rapidly disintegrating -- so rapidly that moral issues which were clear half a century ago are now hopelessly confused, and what is more, thoroughly mixed up with battling political interests."
Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 445

Social issues that are related to spiritual principles are not included in the political debate. A Baha'i must be willing to lay his or her life down for such issues as many Baha'is are facing including the seven Baha'i's in Iran. They have been in prison for nearly two years and the global community has recently been informed that they may have been given 20 years in prison for simply being Baha'i. Baha'i's throughout history have been given opportunities to save their lives by recanting their Faith, those Baha'i's have held their heads high and walked with grace and love in their hearts to their deaths, knowing that the true life awaits them for to recant their belief would have been the real death.

The situation with the seven Baha'i's in Iran in this present moment has been watched by the international community for some time. It is on the news, it has been in the newspaper and it has been a topic of discussion during Senate and Congress meetings as well as at the UN offices. How do I reconcile the fact that people within the political realm are standing up for Baha'i's in other countries while I choose not to participate in political discourse? It's simple really, I still vote. In fact, as a Baha'i I am obligated to do so. But the process of voting and the process leading up to the voting is different for me. I am an independent because Baha'i's cannot associate the Faith with a particular political party, this would create immediate disunity. I can vote for whomsoever my heart desires, but I do not talk about it, I do not boast about it, I do not share it. I simply do my research, say some prayers for clarity and cast my vote. I play my part, but I do not invest myself in the political realm because to do so would be to loose sight of what is to me the real goal, the establishment of global unity, and the mechanism for establishing that goal, justice (in a previous post I talked about this topic). I have been present for political discussions all my life, not one of them ever ended. Haha! And not one of them ever ended with a group consensus. Every one of them fizzled out because of tempers flaring, friendships damaged, opinions being continuously repeated and disunity. This is my experience obviously, but I'd venture to say that most people have experienced similar things. I am not saying politics are bad, I am saying that I do not partake in them and that I do not feel they will solve the problems of the world, only continue to act as a bandage.

The struggle that I started this post off with is related to a certain challenge facing this country currently. I have seen posts and heard things about religions freedoms being removed within the US and it breaks my heart. As a member of a religious minority and a religion who's followers are suffering persecution in countries around the world I am disheartened to hear and see it happening here. My point in all of this is that I hope everyone takes it upon themselves to investigate anything and everything that interests them, to dig deep into the issues that they feel are challenging and to trust their own internal guidance system WHILE also being open to and mindful of the concept of unity, for we can all have, and do have, amazing insights into the world and the way it works, but if we are not able to approach the sharing process with our hearts geared toward compassion and truthfulness all wisdom will be lost and some day the bandage will fall off and the broken heart of humanity will be left exposed and if we are not unified in our attempt to heal it, what will any of this matter?

Let us not be afraid of unity.

grow, become, contribute

2010-08-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since I left Portland. I've spent the last bit of time reaching into my soul and pulling out the dust of acquired knowledge. You see, I've lived my life with the intention of forevermore serving God. This has been my endless prayer. I've fought my way through battle upon battle to arrive at the doorstep of the Temple two days ago. I arrived in Chicago, five years after I moved here the first time, full. Not empty. I've been all over the world since I moved here in 2005. I've visited South Africa and China, I've lived in Los Angeles and Portland, I've experienced love and loss, heartbreak and healing, I've strengthened my strengths and I've replaced my weaknesses, I've shed tears of joy and sadness, I've fallen so very far and I've continued to climb the mountains before me because I know, I've always known, that beauty and joy are attainable. I simply have to choose them. And this path I've been on, this path that has brought me back to Chicago, has lead me to an understanding, not a heady, knowledge-based understanding, but a soul-stirring, visceral comprehension that everything in my life is a choice. I've reached a place where every moment I choose joy. Every moment I choose to shine. Every moment I choose to follow God's path for me and that path has lead me to a profound understanding and appreciation for myself, who I am, what I have to offer, and why I'm here to offer it. The basis of that understanding is the recognition that all I am is because of God and His love for all of humanity.
I'm so grateful. So very grateful to those of you who have been instrumental in my reaching this place. Everyone of you has shown me things about myself, some brightnesses and some dim spots, and all of the love and support I've had through out my entire life will never be taken for granted, not ever.

Shoghi Effendi said "first grow, then become and then contribute." Now I do believe we can contribute as we grow, but to be as effective as we can be in our contributions we must have grown and become who we were designed to be. I spent my life up until last fall growing. This past year I've been working on becoming and due to God's Grace that process has been joyful and speedy. Now, as I move forward into this new phase of my life, I do so with every intention of contributing to the world as the person I have become. I will forever continue growing and becoming, and as I do it will only strengthen my ability to contribute.
My hearts desires are all being fulfilled. Every. Last. One. Of. Them.

Arrived

2010-08-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

After three weeks of travel, sun, altitude changes, gas station fill-ups, family adventures and beautiful sights I'm now in Chicago.

Here is what I feel inclined to share at this moment...

Follow your heart, it leads you to untold beauty if you trust.

travels

2010-07-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

Today I'm in Idaho and Utah, driving along, loving the sun.
Yesterday I danced in Oregon, if only for a moment, with grace and freedom.
Tomorrow I'll be in Colorado, standing on a mountain, tall, strong and centered.

next major step

2010-07-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

So here it goes...

I'm leaving Portland on the 17th of July. I'm packing up my car (it's actually mostly packed already) and heading east. I'm taking the road less traveled because it's the one my spirit is calling for. All I know at this point is that I'll be in Colorado for a bit, then in South Dakota for a bit and the rest of it will fall into place as I travel. I'm spending the next couple weeks enjoying the beauty and coziness of Portland, tying up loose ends and saying my goodbyes. My touchstone in New York, but I know all too well that plans are made to be changed. So I'm heading out, trusting and relying upon God every step of the way. because reliance upon Him is true sustenance.

"Rely upon God. Trust in Him. Praise Him, and call Him continually to mind. He verily turneth trouble into ease, and sorrow into solace, and toil into utter peace. He verily hath dominion over all things."
(Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 178)

"True reliance is for the servant to pursue his profession and calling in this world, to hold fast unto the Lord, to seek naught but His grace, inasmuch as in His Hands is the destiny of all His servants."
(Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 155)

So here I go...I'm pursuing my profession and calling in this world and I'm holding fast unto my Lord, seeking only His grace, trusting Him, praising Him and loving.

I started this blog when I left Los Angeles to move to Portland in September of 2009. I had no idea what was in store for me and I've been continually blown away by the grace of God. I'm utterly humbled and grateful for all that life has offered me and as I set out on this next grand adventure I walk forward, carrying myself with grace, poise and integrity, with a "radiant heart, and a soul open to the promptings of the spirit." After all, what better way is there to show my gratitude? My aim is to be joyful in every moment and know that I am here to be of service, in ways I cannot imagine.

Thank you to everyone who has come along with me on this journey so far, and I hope to continue sharing with you my growth, experiences and travels as I embark on this next major step :)

Much love

marriage

2010-07-02T01:37:00.000-07:00

Baha'u'llah brought forth a new revelation...

"In this Revelation the concepts of the past are brought to a new level of understanding, and the social laws, changed to suit the age now dawning, are designed to carry humanity forward into a world civilization the splendours of which can as yet be scarcely imagined."
   (Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 1)

When I think of social laws I think of burial laws, administrative laws and marriage laws...

Baha'i's believe that within this Faith is the power to revolutionize humanity. We believe that the teachings of Baha'u'llah contain the medicine needed to heal humanity of it's ailments, whether they be economic, educational, environmental, etc. We believe that the solution to the problems of the world are spiritual in nature because the root cause of the ailments is a disconnection from our Core, our Source, our Creator. Only through the uniting of the human race on a spiritual level can the issues facing the world today be transformed from darkness and discord to light and love.

Recently I've been reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of "Eat, Pray, Love" and in this book Gilbert discusses many different perspectives and traditions when it comes to marriage. She set out on this journey because she had decided to never get married again. The man she feel in love with felt the same way, they were perfectly content living their lives as exclusive partners without actually making the commitment through marriage, until the decision was basically made for them and they had to get married in order to be together. I won't go into all the details, you can read the book for those (I hope you do!) but I will say that from the perspective I have as not only a Baha'i but as this Baha'i, Lindsey, my understanding and appreciation for what Baha'u'llah's message offers the world has expanded substantially.

One of the things I realized while reading this book is that the institution of marriage, as it is today within the US is basically an institution of the government. Based on some of Gilbert's finding marriage, within the US in particular, is based on romantic notions of love and it has become a business venture and tax break. It, in it's origin, was a spiritual union, however in today's society what makes a marriage "legal" and recognized by the state is the documentation that must be filed. Without this paperwork a marriage is not valid. This got me thinking about my beliefs as a Baha'i and the guidance provided to Baha'i's about marriage and it's purpose. Marriage is viewed by the vast majority of the people of the US and the world as a service to the two people getting married (and to the government in the US) and within the Baha'i Faith the view is vastly different. Marriage is a service offered to the Creator by the two people joining together in marriage.

Marriage, itself, as an institution, has been recreated by Baha'u'llah. Currently, most marriage vows say something about "til death do us part." Within the Baha'i view of marriage the union between the two entering this sacred union endures until the end that hath no end.

"In a true Bahá'í marriage the two parties must become fully united both spiritually and physically, so that they may attain eternal union throughout all the worlds of God, and improve the spiritual life of each other. This is Bahá'í matrimony."
     (Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 372)

The marriage vow within the Baha'i Revelation, "We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God." is Divinely revealed, the first time in Religious history this has happened. The vow is explicit in that the intention of the marriage being co-created is to abide by the Will of God, not by the will of the husband, not by the will of the wife, not by the will of the parents, or the friends, or the kids, but the Will of God. Baha'u'llah has recreated marriage so that humanity may know and love God through it. Two individuals in this type of union have dedicated themselves, not strictly to each other, but to their service to and love for God. In that dedication the two servants will consult and manage their marriage not from a place of ego and selfishness but from spirit and service. The two will recognize that they are not married to merely be served but to be of service as partners in the path of God, ever striving to align themselves with His Will.

"Marriage is a holy institution and much encouraged in this blessed cause... May God help you to render great service to the kingdom of Abha and may you become a means of its advancement."
   (Abdu'l-Baha, Abdu'l-Baha in London, p. 78)

When two people enter a marriage such as this, they have created a "fortress for well-being"

"And when He [God] desired to manifest grace and beneficence to men, and to set the world in order, He revealed observances and created laws; among them He established the law of marriage, made it as a fortress for well-being and salvation, and enjoined it upon us in that which was sent down out of the heaven of sanctity in His Most Holy Book."
   (Baha'u'llah, Baha'i Prayers, p. 103)

This fortress is for the well-being and salvation of, not only the couple and the family created through the marriage, but for all of civilization.

"...the Holy Spirit speaks anew to the world! The constellation of love and wisdom and power is once more shining from the Divine Horizon to give joy to all who turn their faces to the Light of God. Bahá'u'lláh has rent the veil of prejudice and superstition which was stifling the souls of men. Let us pray to God that the breath of the Holy Spirit may again give hope and refreshment to the people, awakening in them a desire to do the Will of God. May heart and soul be vivified in every man: so will they all rejoice in a new birth.
Then shall humanity put on a new garment in the radiance of the love of God, and it shall be the dawn of a new creation! Then will the Mercy of the Most Merciful be showered upon all mankind and they will arise to a new life.
My earnest desire is that you will all strive and work for this glorious end; that you will be faithful and loving workers in the building of the new spiritual civilization; the elect of God, in willing joyful obedience carrying out His supreme design! Success is truly near at hand, for the Flag of Divinity has been raised aloft, and the Sun of the Righteousness of God appeareth upon the horizon in the sight of all men!"
   (Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. 34)

Marriage, as recreated by Baha'u'llah, is a unique institution created for the well-being and salvation of the world civilization. It is the foundation upon which this salvation will take place. As more and more people enter into marriage with their thoughts fixed upon God and their intention set as servants to God we will see humanity revolutionized. We will witness a rebirth, a new life, a new spiritual civilization manifesting.

Also, as more and more people realize that marriage is an institution designed to create unity and harmony (according to Baha'u'llah, Lights of Guidance, p 373) we may see a shift in the extreme rates of divorce that are raging across this country.

In the quote I started this blog with Baha'u'llah mentioned that "the social laws, changed to suit the age now dawning, are designed to carry humanity forward into a world civilization the splendours of which can as yet be scarcely imagined." Can you imagine splendours we can scarcely imagine? I can't, but I'm excited by the prospect of what this means for humanity, and I look very much forward to the day I set out on this path of service with the man who is to be my husband as we render service to our Creator within the fortress we co-create for the well-being and salvation of our family-the human race.

I encourage everyone to read "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert for the insightful undertaking she has included her readers in on, as well as the writings of the Baha'i Faith on the sacredness and sanctity of the institution of marriage.

sometimes

2010-06-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life is outrageous.
Sometimes life is harmoniously complacent.
Sometimes life is undeniably beautiful.
Sometimes life is a series of indistinguishable days.
Sometimes life is a sweeping of whimsical melodies.
Sometimes life is a myriad of diluted moments.
Sometimes life is completely unexpected.
Sometimes life is beyond the scope of my imagination.
Sometimes life is just simple enough for me to take a deep breath and smile.
Sometimes life is so magnificent I cannot contain my joy.
Sometimes life is so insignificant I cannot wait to go Home.

All the time life is a gift, one I treasure and love and would forsake a thousand times to be closer to Him.

being true to myself

2010-06-19T21:21:00.000-07:00

At PSU this last term I took a classed called Feminism, Activism and Social Change...I was not excited about it because I do not define myself as a feminist or an activist. I'm a Baha'i. Being a Baha'i encompasses everything feminism and activism attempts to transform by providing the framework and the tools to create the change sought without simultaneously alienating people.
This class was a test for me because a portion of the grade was to attend four different types of activist events and then write a response paper. Two of the events I didn't feel comfortable attending, a march and a rally. I was nervous that by not doing this I would not get the A I wanted to keep my GPA at 4.0 so I struggled with going for the sake of the grade and not going to maintain my principles and values which ultimately mean more to me than the grade. In the end I chose not to attend these events and used my defiance as part of the activism the professor was seeking when I wrote my write-up. I wrote about my reasons for not attending the event, which include my beliefs as a Baha'i, and how my decision to not attend in no way is a judgment on those who do choose to participate in such events.
I submitted the paper and waited to see if my choice to be true to myself would afford me the grade I felt I deserved or if I would have lost my grade for the sake of my beliefs...

Turns out my honesty and truthfulness got me a perfect score. 500/500!
I ended the year with a 4.0 and I did it with my morals in tact. I can honestly say I am proud of myself!
And, even if I would have received a poor grade on the project, I still believe I made the right choice for myself. My beliefs are far greater sign posts of my character and ability to serve than my GPA!

what is intuition?

2010-06-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

Intuition is spirit, shining through the pure channel of your soul, shedding light on your path.

for Him

2010-06-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

My head is spinning, swirling and whirling.
I am in my process of becoming.

This is the most bountiful and humbling time of my life.
There is no limit, not even the sky.
I was designed to be.
I was designed to be a servant.
I was designed to be a servant of Glory.

In all seriousness, Friday, June 11th 2010 is the first day of the rest of my life.
The first day of my life actually.
I am awake.
I am awake.
I am awake.

My head is spinning, swirling and whirling.
My body, spirit, soul, heart and mind are all anew.

I laugh
I sing
I dance
I paint
I pose
I click

I am an artist.
I am a performer.
I am a woman.
I am a spiritual giant.
I am a being of light shining with humility (heehe, that sounds silly).
I am all that I am for Him.
I am all that I am because of Him.
I am all that I am to be of service for Him, to Him and because of Him.

All Glory be to God.

the dance

2010-06-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

life is amazing.

I'm siting in my bed, looking out the window at a tree.
The leaves are blowing, and they seem to spin, twirl, sway and move independent of each other and yet the cause of their movement and their stillness is one in the same, the breeze.
Each leaf holds so perfectly to the branch it is on, the breeze rushes through and an organic yet choreographed dance takes place. Each leaf is moving in conformity with it's own design and placement on the branch and all the leaves twist and turn and spiral according to the dictates of the breeze. There is no complaining about why one leaf is higher or bigger or greener, they all just bend and sway however the breeze inspires them.
The branches act as such pillars of support for the leaves to do their inspired dance, providing stability, reach and protection as the leaves whimsically and delicately play in the warm breeze.

oh the lessons we can learn from a tree...

one more week

2010-06-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

I have one more week of classes.
Thank goodness it's almost over.

Unity and Justice

2010-05-27T18:17:00.000-07:00

In the Baha'i Faith there are principles and concepts that are discussed at length and pointed to as being highly significant regarding the advancement of civilization. Two of those principles are Unity and Justice. I would like to try to explain the connection between the two here...

Unity is spoken of in many places, throughout all the world's great religions and philosophies. Throughout history the concept of unity has been progressively revealed. In Judaism Moses taught to love your brother, in Christianity Jesus taught to love your neighbor, in Islam Muhammad taught to love your nation. Thus the concept of unity has been expanding to encompass more and more individuals over time. Currently, within the Baha'i Dispensation the concept of Unity has been broadened to encompass all of humanity. The Manifestation of the Babi Faith, the Bab, who is known as the Gate from the Adamic cycle into the Baha'i cycle, proclaimed that all forms of prejudice are forbidden, that men and women are equal, and that all of mankind is one. He proclaimed these Truths not just as spiritual laws, which have always been and will always be, but as social laws. This was the first time in the history of religion that equality of the human race was established as a social teaching.

I mentioned the Adamic and the Baha'i cycles above. The Bab is significant as the Gate because He is the Primal Point. He was the Herald of Baha'u'llah, the One to prepare mankind for Baha'u'llah's coming. Humanity moved from one cycle, the prophetic cycle into another, the cycle of fulfillment through the Bab, His message, His teachings and laws. All of His teachings pointed to one Truth, that of Unity. Global Unity. It was established as a social law, yet it's spiritual implications are far reaching. Ron Hershel explains better than I could what this means...

"If you do not see unity in diversity then you don't see oneness. The oneness becomes sameness. True oneness is diversity in this realm [physical realm]. That's how we experience oneness, my friends if you want unity you don't all try to be the same, you don't try to all look the same. True unity is when each of you become your true selves. Truly diverse. Because you're unified on a higher level. And when people do not have that higher level of unity, then they try to achieve unity through making each other look the same, talk the same, have the same ideas, the same ideologies, philosophies and politics. That's what we see throughout society. We see people striving for unity, but their concept of unity is on this plane, not in the spiritual plane."
~Ron Hershel, Scholar of Religious Study and the Baha'i Faith

How do we come to understand this conecpt of Unity?
Through the knowledge of God that the Prophets and Manifestations have revealed to us throughout time. Baha'u'llah, the most recent Manifestation of God, the Supreme Manifestation, has brought new Revelation for humanity.

Again I look to Ron Hershel for an explanation as to why we need the knowledge of God.
"The knowledge of God allows us to escape the realm of time and space and move into the spiritual realms that allows us now to become attached to God rather than attached to the worldly domain. My friends, we were created to be attached, it's what you attach yourself too that counts."

If the Bab brought Unity, what did Baha'u'llah bring that's so unique and necessary for humanity? Aren't we fine with Unity being the greatest concept to work toward?

If that's the case then how do we work toward Unity? Do we just wake up one morning as a collective world community and be unified? Goodness no. The idealized notions of unity and peace are impossible without Baha'u'llah's Teachings.

So how do we build Unity?
Through Justice.

Through Justice.

Justice is the means of application for Unity on a global scale.

"The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes."
~Baha'u'llah, Hidden Word # 2 Arabic

Ok, so what does this mean? I'm going to break it down...

"The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice" Of course it is! Justice is the way through which we will establish the Unity of humanity. Unity may seem to be the most important teaching, but if there is no way to apply this teaching what good does it do us?!?!

"turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee." On a global level, do not turn away from Justice because it will lead to the establishment of Unity. On a personal level, Justice is the way to true authenticity. If we desire to be close to God, to be connected to our Creator, we can only do this through following His laws for us, being unified within ourselves through the enactment of Justice.

"By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know through thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor." On a personal level, seeing through our own eyes and knowing through our own knowledge is the means through which we understand who we are in relation to the rest of humanity. We discover our authentic Selves and our place in God's Plan. We become open to the promptings of spirit and our understanding is enlightened, but only if/when we use the spiritual principle of Justice to maintain our authenticity. Because of where humanity is in it's advancement toward the establishment of Heaven on Earth we need personal boundaries. How many people feel they get taken advantage of? How many people take advantage? So Justice enables us to have those boundaries so that we can become effective servants, knowing our limits and weaknesses as well as our strengths and capacity. On a global level this perspective, through our own eyes, enables us to see the scope of God's Plan for humanity and understand how Unity will be achieved through Justice.

"Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be." The Adamic cycle laid out laws to prepare mankind for this day!!! The teachings of the Prophetic cycle laid the foundation for how to "be" as a human and as humanity. We are called upon to "ponder this in thy heart" and not analyze it in our minds. (Side note, the phrase "ponder in thy heart" is used over 44 time in Baha'u'llah's Writings, but pondering in thy mind is not used once) These spiritual teachings are not understood through the logic of the material world, they are comprehended through the truth of the spiritual realm. We know we are all one family. We get that logically. But do we "get" it? Not until we ponder the spiritual teachings in our hearts will we understand how to be, not until we practice being our authentic selves in light of the Revelation of Baha'u'llah will we understand the significance of the day in which we life. All of the teachings revealed by God, until Baha'u'llah, were to prepare us for His message!!! (I'm starting to get really excited and off topic) The teachings of the past, even those of "Thou shalt not kill" were teaching humanity how to "be". Baha'u'llah's Message provides instruction on what to "do".

"Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness" God gave us Justice so that we might establish Unity!! The Bab's Revelation provided the social law of Unity, it's first appearance on our planet. Baha'u'llah's Revelation provided the framework through which it will be established! Justice! What a gift that is indeed!!! On a personal level it is also a gift because, as I said above, Justice enables us to be our authentic selves, it is the means through which we will understand the relationship between the self and the Self, between my Self and your Self, and how we will understand the boundaries we need in order to be true servants.

"Set it then before thine eyes." See through your own eyes my friends. Everything I've written I've come too through independent investigation of the Truth. It is my duty as a human being to do this, it is yours as well. My view is my view, I do not expect anyone to take it on. Instead I hope that as you've read this your own questions have arisen, do the research, read for yourself, make your own connections. Quest to understand Unity and Justice.

I end with this idea. The Adamic cycle, which started with the Adam of the Old Testament/Torah and closed with Muhammad, the Seal of the Prophets, provided teachings on how to "be". The Bab was the Gate leading from the Prophetic cycle into this new cycle, the cycle of Fulfillment, which has started with Baha'u'llah and His Message. If the previous cycle taught us to "be" than this cycle is teaching us to "do". Unity is the state in which humanity is destined to be. Justice is the means by which we can ensure the establishment of this spiritual and social law, it "behooveth us to be" and is a sign of God's "loving-kindness".

These are my thoughts, what are yours? :)

in love

2010-05-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

I am in love.
I am in love with Reality.
I am in love with the sunrise, with the singing birds and the raindrops.
I am in love with the breeze and the warmth of the sun.
I am in love with the joy I feel when I walk through a park as the children play and the couples cuddle, as the dogs run and people relax.
I am in love with the quiet of the mountains and the roar of the waterfalls.
I am in love with the buzz of downtown and the hum of the forest.
I am in love with the still of the night, the setting sun and the me-tree out my window.
I am in love with Truth.

This is the me-tree :)

oneness

2010-05-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

Life changes.
Things happen.
Love for self and others and God evolves, becomes more pure, becomes more perfect.

I feel as though the love I have to offer has been purified over the last month and a half. I've become aware, as aware as I can be, of the connections between you and me and the trees and our God. I've come to understand, as much as I'm allowed, how love and light and energy moves through all of us. Connects all of us--to each other and to our Source.
The Baha'i Faith is mystical in nature. We read this, and shrug it off saying "what a lovely thought" and we do this because we are not connected to our oneness in a way that allows us to FEEL how mystical this Faith, all Faiths, are. We are spiritual beings having a material experience. This is just an experience, like rolling down the hill when you are five years old is an experience, like falling in love for the first time is an experience, like moving across the country or having your first child is an experience, like graduating from college or retiring is an experience...all fleeting. This does not mean that the effects of those experiences do not last, they most certainly do. The memories shape us, change us, and sometimes cage us if we let them, but they are not the total sum of us. This experience we are having is not the total sum of us. We are so much more. We ARE light. We ARE love. We ARE one. We truly are, it's not some "lovely thought" it's Truth (yes, with a capital T) and I am so grateful to be where I am, seeing what I see, feeling what I feel and knowing what very little I know.

I've been meditating on gratitude lately and the following quote has become very special to me...

"O thou handmaid of God! In this day, to thank God for His bounties consisteth in possessing a radiant heart, and a soul open to the promptings of the spirit. This is the essence of thanksgiving." ~'Abdu'l-Baha

Ponder on that for a bit ;)

newness

2010-05-18T01:56:00.001-07:00

I'm changing my life!!!!!

www.radiantcreation.org

...

2010-05-07T20:38:00.001-07:00

I don't know what I'm writing about...

I'm feeling so completely new right now...
...raw, transformed, perplexed, grateful, humble, insignificant, powerful, incomprehensible, discovered, capable, incapable, fragile, unbreakable, oblivious, aware, gifted, thankful, authentic, foreign, passionate, truthful, uninhibited, lost, found, unguarded, safe, real, open, unknowable, free, translucent, invisible, spiritual, whole, disjointed, joyous, patient, impatient, overwhelmed, solid, fluid, complete...
I'm feeling.
Oneness.

with God all things are possible

2010-04-20T23:30:00.001-07:00

"Purge thou thy heart that We may cause fountains of wisdom and utterance to gush out therefrom, thus enabling thee to raise thy voice among all mankind. Unloose thy tongue and proclaim the truth for the sake of the remembrance of thy merciful Lord. Be not afraid of anyone, place thy whole trust in God."
(Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 189)

That's a nice thought right? Before my weekend in Tuscon this quote would have seemed like a nice concept, one that I would have glossed over in Tablets and counted among the many writings that are lovely ideas. However, now this quote has taken on a whole new meaning. It is concrete and tangible to me. Why? Because I experienced the purging of my heart and the unloosing of my tongue my last night in Tuscon.
What I am writing, what you are about to read is quite remarkable. Had it not been my personal experience I would have had a difficult time believing and comprehending it myself had someone shared this me. So I understand if it is challenging for you to absorb as the reader, and I hope that you, especially if you know me, can recognize that I would not be saying any of these things if I didn't believe it, and I believe it because it was my experience.

In my previous post I spoke about how I felt that my trip to Tuscon for the wedding of Katrinka and Aras was going to be a healing experience. I accounted the wonderful events that unfolded up until ten pm the last night I was there. At that point I was getting ready to settle into bed and I felt fulfilled. It had been a marvelous weekend filled with love and laughter. I was content and ready to return to Portland to get back to life as I knew it, or so I thought.

At that point Katy, my roommate at the hotel, asked me if I wanted to talk to Husayn, a mutual friend from Chicago who also came for the wedding with his wife and daughter. I was sort of taken aback by this question but said sure. The reason I was taken aback is that Husayn and I have known each other for close to six years, but we didn't really know each other. He and Katy were much closer than he and I ever were. I figured she was asking if I wanted to talk to him because she had invited him to the room and she wanted to make sure I was ok with it, which I was.

Both Katy and Husayn have some things in common, things that I myself have always been interested in, but not familiar with in the way that the two of them are and so I was happy to be privy to their conversation. He came over and they started talking. I was fascinated by their conversation, which involved topics such as intuition and energy healing.

I have had experiences with people with intuitive abilities for many years. In fact I have known and associated with quite a few intuitive people over the years, so many that it actually surprised me as I thought about it that night. When I say intuitive I do not mean psychic, they cannot tell you your future, but they are able to connect with you in the moment in a way that reminds you of who you truly are and the parts of yourself that you are forgetting.
I've also known a couple energy healers. My experience with energy healers has not been as frequent. I'd worked with two energy healers prior to my trip to Tuscon and both experiences were quite interesting. Everyone's experience with it is different, and each energy healer uses different approaches. Most people have heard of Reiki which is a form of energy work. While I haven't experienced Reiki myself, I believe the concept is the same in all forms. The person doing the healing serves as a channel for energy to be passed into or out of another person to cleanse and heal that individual. This is usually done through the hands, and can be done with or without physical contact. In my first experience the woman did not touch me, but I felt changes in my body. I became warm and I felt as though I was growing and my skin couldn't contain me. In my second experience the woman placed her hands on me and as I closed my eyes I saw many colors and felt different sensations throughout my body. Both experiences were pleasant and beneficial.

Back to Tuscon...
At one point in the conversation Husayn looked at me and asked if I wanted to do energy work with him as it had within the last couple years become apparent that he is both, capable of acting as a channel for such healing, and is intuitive. I said absolutely! In reality I had been wanting to work with him the entire weekend, so the fact that he offered to work with me was thrilling! Little did I know that what was about to transpire would alter me in such a way that I literally, and I mean literally, would never be the same again.

He had me sit at the end of the bed with my feet on the floor and he placed his had at the small of my back but not on me. I sat there, with my eyes closed, breathing deeply and beseeching Baha'u'llah to keep me open to whatever was in store.

As soon as he placed his hand at my back my head instantly felt as though it was a balloon that was reaching its capacity. I felt it might explode and the pressure needed to go somewhere. I started to get scared because it seemed the pressure was leaving through my eyes. While my eyes were closed they started to spastically move back and forth as though air was being push out through them. I kept breathing deeply hoping it would end soon because it was frightening. The pressure started to decrease and the movement slowed and slowed until it stopped completely and even though my eyes were closed I felt as though my vision had cleared and my head felt lighter. As soon as the awareness that my head was clear occured I felt a movement from the base of my spine through my lungs and heart and out my mouth. The movement was in waves and there was so much that was moving out that it felt as though my throat was swelling shut and there were moments that I actually couldn't breath, and that too frightened me. Husayn said that his hand felt glued to the same spot it had been from the start and as I breathed out the last breath of whatever was being released he said his hand was free to move. I hadn't said anything about what I was experiencing.

After these first few minutes of overwhelming release I felt unbelievable calm, clear, light and free. My mind was still and my body, relaxed. However I still felt a wall in my heart keeping me from truly letting go. Just as I was realizing this Husayn asked if I had any questions. I did, I asked "have I wasted my time?" and he responded "no, others have wasted it." I don't expect this to make any sense to anyone, but to me this was all it took for the wall in my heart to crumble. At those words I broke down and started sobbing. He then said, "but it wasn't lost, it can be made up in the 'twinkling of an eye'."
Up until this point my eyes had been closed and I was staring at the back of my eyelids, after this release I felt the wall in my heart collapse I started seeing colors and shapes forming. What happened next has been explained as "visioning" in Native American traditions. For centuries visioning has taken place in many Native tribes around the world as a tool to uncovering our own personal truths for the purpose of service to the greater community. My visioning took place in my hotel room with Husayn's assistance.

After I had cried all my tears it was made clear to me that I had broken through a barrier that had been up for my whole life, a barrier that had been keeping me from recognizing my true potential and my true Self. As I broke through and stepped over to the other side I felt that I was welcomed home. The things I saw and experienced in my mind's eye over the next couple hours were...completely transformative. There was no linear path that the images I saw took so I am going to share a portion of them with you in an order that they will make more sense to you than they actually occured to me.

One of the sequences that I experienced related to the concept in the Baha'i Faith that everything in this world of being is here for us, as humans.

"All that has been created is for man who is at the apex of creation."
(Abdu'l-Baha, Divine Philosophy, p. 134)

Again, everything I am sharing are things I saw, experienced and felt while my eyes were closed and I was still, like a dream, only I was wide awake...
First of all I experienced a very visceral feeling that I was loved and protected. A woman dressed in some type of tribal clothing, whose face I could not see, came up to me and plunged a peacock feather directly into the ground in front of me, the eye of the feather was at eye level. I took it and it became a part of me, it melted into me and formed almost as a tattoo between my shoulder blades. According to many ancient traditions peacock feathers represent incorruptibility, immortality and the ability to thrive in the face of suffering because peacocks are able to eat poisonous plants with no ill-effect. The eye of the feather is known to represent all seeing knowledge and the wisdom of heaven in Greek mythology.

The next thin that happened came straight from a movie scene. You know how in movies when there is a battle about to take place in the open fields the director shows the horizon lined with people as far as the eye can see? Well, I saw this. I looked up from where I had just taken the peacock feather and there were people all along the horizon as far as I could see, and they were coming down to where I was. These people were dressed in tribal clothing and they circled around me. I had a feeling that I was entirely safe. The woman who had given me the peacock feather came directly up to me again and thumped me on the forehead which caused me to chuckle a bit. It was as if she was "waking me up." (As a note, I wasn't sharing the images I was seeing with Husayn, I was just observing.) Just then Husayn asked if what had just happened was a "thorn" and I said nope, a "thump" which we both laughed about. As the people circled me I felt them letting me know that they were my ancestors and they had always been with me, and would forever be with me, protecting me, here for me no matter what. And I believed it. I felt so safe, so loved, so supported. When the truth of what they were sharing had completely sunk in they left.
Then I experienced all kinds of animals coming toward me, circling around me. They wanted me to know the same thing, that they too are here for me, protecting and supporting me. I felt it, I felt their love and that their purpose was to be here for me, and not just me but all of humanity. After they felt that I believed them they left and next trees, flowers, vines, and all kinds of plants began to grow and blossom letting me know that they too are here for me. I wish I could take you with me to the place I was because the feeling I was getting was the sincere truth of what 'Abdu'l-Baha was talking about when he said that humanity is the apex of creation and that everything else in creation is here for us. Words cannot explain how profound the feeling was during this entire experience.
The next bit was quite funny. I started to see all sorts of insects coming toward me. I started to feel a bit uncomfortable and they slowed their approach. Just then Husayn asked if I was comfortable and I told him what was happening and that I was ok and the insects came closer, expressing the same truth, that they too are here for me. (I've had an interesting experience with spiders since then, and it actually has to do with the writing of this blog, but that's another story :)) The expressions that the insects, plants, animals and people made were not through words but through feelings. I felt the purity of their intent. I understood the reality of their existence and I felt so completely safe.
Then, something remarkable happened, even more remarkable that what was already happening. I saw, and I cannot describe what it looked like, but I saw every atom in creation, including the atoms of my body, crying out that they too, are here to support me. Baha'u'llah's words can explain it better than I can...

"All the atoms of the earth declare My love for thee."
(Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 309)

Words fail me as I sit here wanting desperately for you to understand what I saw, what I experienced and what I felt as this transpired. I wish I could explain the love I felt pouring all over and through me. I wish I could show you the beauty of how perfect all of creation is, knowing that all of it is here for us. And I don't mean in a superficial, we get to use it as we wish kind of way. But that everything, all of it, was created so that we, as human beings, might know and understand how deeply God's love for us runs; how perfectly complete His love is.
I was reminded that night in Tuscon that I am, that we all are, not alone, not in the least bit. I saw how each one of us is connected to, loved and cared for by a Creator who created all of creation for us--FOR US.

I started this post with a quote. Over the next few installments on my blog I will continue too explain how this quote serves as a reminder of what is possible if we follow our intuition and how the experience I had in Tuscon has indeed started a process of purging my heart and unloosening my tongue, and how by being open to both of these actions I am experiencing "fountains of wisdom and utterance to gush out" and am proclaiming "the truth for the sake of the remembrance of thy merciful Lord." The experiences I have had since my trip to Tuscon have and continue to transform my understandings of quotes like this. I feel as though I am seeing through new eyes, hearing through new ears and understanding with a new mind and clear heart.

Each one of us is intuitive in our own way. We all have a voice within ourselves that speaks our own personal truth. It guides us, protects us and reminds us of who we are. Most of us let the voice of our ego get in the way. We question ourselves and don't trust or feel we know how to trust ourselves. I've lived most of my life uncertain of how to trust myself, my intuition, my internal guidance system. That night in Tuscon I moved through distrust, I moved through the wall blocking my heart and I emerged a new person. Ever since then I have been able to truly trust my voice, not only for myself but in relation to other people as well. I share this with hope that you will open to trusting your intuition because it is such a gift...

"True distinction among mankind is through divine bestowals and receiving the intuitions of the Holy Spirit."
(Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 316)

There were many other things that I experienced during my energy healing session with Husayn. And many more experiences since then, some of which I will share in future posts. If you would like to know more please feel free to contact me, I am more than happy to share as much as you would like to know :)

Transformation in Tuscon

2010-04-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I had the bounty of being in the presence of some extraordinary individuals. I flew into Tuscon for my dear sister Katrinka's wedding. Well, it was her second wedding because she and her husband Aras had already been married in a simple yet profound ceremony in her Grandparent's backyard a few months before. They were married with very few witnesses, her parents, sister, grandparents, and a few close friends.

This past weekend Aras' parents flew in from Turkey, as did a group of Katrinka and Aras' closest friends and family. I was honored and blessed to be one of the few to be asked to attend this special ceremony.

As I was preparing to travel to Tuscon I knew that it was going to be a healing and transformative weekend. Even though I knew this was a weekend to celebrate their union, I still felt something powerful and important was in store for me. So I went trying to be open to the possibility that nothing remarkable would happen for/to me, so that I wouldn't be disappointed if nothing did happen.

I flew in on Friday evening and during my layover in Albuquerque typed a paper for class to pass the three hours between flights. At this point Katrinka called me to let me know that her aunt was willing to share a room with Katy and I to cut costs and I was thrilled! Although I wasn't sure what the dynamic would be like since I knew Katy and knew we would be great as roommates, but I wasn't sure about this other woman. Still, I was open to the idea!!

Once I got to the hotel and saw Talie's paints and paintings all over her half of the room I knew I would get along with her! Katy and I both arrived at the same time so we settled into the room, admired Talie's art, and went for a walk to get some dinner. It was wonderful to spend some time with her, as it had been a year since we had seen each other.

When we got back to the room we met up with Katrinka and her husband to say hello!

It was a joyful moment!! It was then that I knew I was right about how this weekend would be healing for me, and everyone else in attendance. After saying a quick hello to the happy bride and groom and meeting a few of their friends Katy and I headed back to our room and met Talie.

Talie is a beautiful soul who has lived much of her life in the Dominican Republic as a pioneer. She is an artist in ever sense of the word. The three of us were up until 1:30 in the morning talking about spirituality, art, gender issues, fears, confirmations, etc. I fell asleep knowing that I was sharing a room with the two perfect roommates for the weekend.

In the morning Katy and I woke up to start our day full of awesomeness. First we met up with the closest girlfriends of Katrinka, there were seven of us, to learn a dance that we would be doing as a surprise during the reception. Then we had a "Goddess Party" where we got together with Katrinka to prepare her for the day. It was a very special ceremony that was similar to an experience that Katrinka and I had shared and talked about doing for our weddings just a year prior, almost to the date. It was truly a bonding experience for those of us involved. The details of the event I am choosing to keep private at this time :)

After the Goddess Party we had time to get ready for the wedding. Katy and I got ourselves beautified.

Then Katrinka picked us up from the hotel and took us to the beautiful oasis that the wedding was to take place at. I must say, the landscape of Arizona is beautiful, but it's beautiful in a way that is different from the way Portland is beautiful. The place we went for the wedding felt like a little slice of heaven.
There was green everywhere!

The seven women who had attended the Goddess Party came together to help Katrinka get ready for her wedding. I had the honor of doing the brides make-up and hair while Katy helped her get into her dress.

So far it had been a perfect day of joy, laughter, love and light :)

Katrinka and Aras asked us to walk before them down the aisle, which happened to be a path between chairs set up outside that lead to a gazebo. I was excited to feel like a bride's maid, as I have never been one before. It was such an honor to serve in this capacity for a woman I consider a sister to my soul.

The ceremony was beautiful, the bride was beaming, the groom was radiant, those in attendance were so full of love...it was perfect. The landscape was breath-taking.

There was a moment where Vai, Katrinka's sister, and their father sang and played a song for them that really touched my heart.

After the ceremony I watched as children ran around, old friends connected for the first time in a long while and new friends connect for the first time ever. There was a quite stillness in the air as I witnessed everyone truly joyful. I quickly made friends with two absolutely beautiful girls.

I spent a lot of time that evening feeling extremely playful! At dinner I became transfixed by the beautiful lady next to me. We spend most of dinner acting like we were five years old...

She was acting like she was five...because she is. Me...because she is!!

After dinner the dancing started. There were some wonderful moments where Emily, one of Katrinka's Tuscon girlfriends, and I started busting out some pretty fantastic dance moves!

Yeah, we had fun.

We also preformed the Bollywood dance we learned earlier in the day, and it was a hit!

After a long beautiful day I said goodbye to Katrinka and the rest of the ladies to get some rest.

After a good night's sleep, Katy, Talie and I woke up to go on an early morning hike through the canyon. We had a wonderful time climbing a trail that led up the mountain covered with cacti and flowers into a valley with a babbling brook and green leafy trees. We had to cross the water to take a different trail back to the place we started from. Once we took the second trail we came to a man-made waterfall. I was feeling playful again so four of us decided to get in!

Then Erin, one if Katrinka's Boston girlfriends, and I decided to get even more adventurous and start sliding!!!

After our wonderful hike we went back to Katrinka's parents house to relax for a bit, then we went to the hotel to swim. Around 3 pm, which felt like midnight, I decided to take it easy and I went back to my room to take a nap. I turned on the tv and found a Julie Andrews marathon! Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music were playing back to back, suddenly I knew how I would be spending my evening! A bit later on Katrinka, Aras, Vai and a few others came to our room to hang out and sing along with Julie. Around 10 pm we all parted ways. At that point I felt that it had been the perfect weekend. I was returning to Portland the following day and I felt satisfied. It had been the healing experience I was hoping for.

I found out during the weekend that Katrinka and Aras had been praying, daily, that this weekend would be a healing experience for everyone in attendance. I was blown away by their kindness and generosity in offering such love and care to their family and friends on their special weekend. The love and bond that they have with and for each other is truly inspiring. I was humbled to be in the company of such gracious souls all weekend long. I felt their prayers had been answered because everyone I spoke with shared my sentiments, that this weekend had healed each of us in very real and personal ways. I send my love and gratitude to Katrinka and Aras not only for including me in their special moment, but for providing through their love and light an opportunity for myself, and everyone else, to grow, transform, heal and experience their bond. For the glimpse of their bond, in and of itself, was a gift I will forever treasure.

Thank you.
May your journey bring you both ever nearer to each other and our Creator as you continue to spread your love and grace to all those you meet.

coincidence?

2010-03-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

I'm a Baha'i. Yep. I am.

Over two years ago while living in the San Fernando Valley I ordered a book off of Amazon called "The Power of Intention" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. When the book arrived it was not "The Power of Intention" but was instead a book called "Inspiration" by the same author. I thought about returning it, I mean, it wasn't the book I had ordered, but for some reason I didn't. I kept it. And for two years it has sat on my bookshelf, untouched, unopened...until today.

This past weekend has been yet another transformative weekend for me. I seem to have transformative experiences quite frequently. Maybe it's that I'm open to them, I don't know, all I do know is that this past weekend was spent all alone, in my room. I secluded myself from the world and processed my life up until this point. I'm reading a book called "Fearless Living" right now and I had just finished two chapters on no expectations and no excuses...so I sat, in my room, doing the "homework" assigned in these chapters to look at the areas in my life I have unspoken expectations and am continually coming up with excuses...and it was painful! Yet it opened me up to my potential, once I took the excuses out of the way and was left with only myself...myself as the reason why I have not completed things I want to have completed by now...I was left with sadness. This sadness was not in relation to anyone or anything outside of myself, no person, no situation, no circumstance, only me and my denial of my innate nobility.
So I sat with the sadness for three days and today, I woke up feeling better than I have in years! I talked to my mom a bit, I talked to two of my closest girl friends a bit and as I was getting ready I looked at my bookshelf and saw "Inspiration" by Dr. Wayne Dyer sitting there. I picked it up. I opened it to a random page and read...

"We need to encourage the awareness of our magnificence in every regard. When that awareness has been reawakened, the seedlings of inspiration will begin blossoming. Here's a way of expressing these fundamental truths, offered to us by the writings of Baha'u'llah, of the Baha'i Faith: 'This most great, this fathomless and surging Ocean is near, astonishingly near, unto you. Behold it is closer to you than your life-vein! Swift as the twinkling of an eye ye can, if ye but wish it, reach and partake of this imperishable favor, this God-given grace, this incorruptible gift, this most potent and unspeakably glorious bounty.'
There's no way to be in-Spirit without a changed awareness--so when we accomplish this, we give ourselves the gift of moving from being flawed, limited, and imperfect to being completely comfortable with our magnificence.
This unspeakably glorious bounty is so close to us...all we have to do is make a few 'twinkling-of-an-eye' adjustments, so why not begin now?"

Honesty, I was only half reading. My mind was wondering, then I pulled myself back and thought..."hey, wait a minute, did I just read Baha'u'llah's words in a Wayne Dyer book?" Low and behold I did! And they were exactly the words I needed to read due to my state and my recent realizations and awakenings.

Now, I don't know why I didn't send this book back, or why I hadn't picked it up until today, or why I flipped to the page I flipped it too...and I don't know why it all happened...but I do know that I am so grateful. My current state of being is Gratitude because everything in my life is absolutely beautiful. Absolutely. Beautiful.

alignment

2010-03-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

Initially I wanted to basically re-write what I just read. But I realized that my words will not do justice to the wisdom and truth conveyed by Michael Karlberg in his article Constructive Resilience: A Baha'i Response to Oppression to be published next month.

Aligning with my purpose ignites a fire within me I have never had the bounty of experiencing before. Being in the program I am in at PSU has been such an awakening experience. Every day some new gem is uncovered, some new word is learned that I can apply to the theories that swirl around in my head on a continual basis. There is a deep yearning to be a pure channel, to be fully present, to be un-apologetically authentic that has been with me, in one way or another, for my entire life. Discovering the language to articulate my perspective about things that are near and dear to my heart has been a major catalyst in connecting to the actions necessary to be a pure channel, to be fully present and to be un-apologetically authentic.

Over the last few months I have been learning the language, as it is in the field today. I have been learning the theories, the approaches, the methods as they exist in the greater social order. These learnings have set a firm foundation upon which to relate to my peers.

As a Baha'i I believe that the solutions to the ailments of the world will not be found outside of Baha'u'llah's message. This applies to all areas of life: agriculture, socio-economic disparities, education reform, racial and gender equality, etc. Every effort being made is worthwhile, for every effort leads humanity closer to our collective destiny. My part in this Great Plan of God happens to be in alignment with Baha'u'llah's teachings. Therefore I believe that regarding the field of conflict resolution, efforts made to truly transform conflict, not just manage it, must be in alignment with His teachings. Baha'u'llah's principles must be the guiding light, my guiding light.

After reading Mr. Karlberg's article I feel a new sense of peace, enthusiasm, vigor and hope. For I now have a greater appreciation for the role the Baha'i community is playing in laying a framework that will serve as an example of how to face opression through means not yet experienced in the history of mankind.

I've been learning about non-violent resistance, pacifism, and civil disobedience, none of which is entirely in alignment with the teachings of the Baha'i Faith. Mr. Karlberg brought to my attention that there is a term for the efforts Baha'i's are making in the realm of conflict resolution, and that term is Constructive Resilience (coined by the Universal House of Justice). I don't know why exactly, but knowing there is a term, a definable term, for the way in which I can now explain my views to my peers feels like coming to the surface of the ocean for a breath of air after a very long ascent.

Pieces are fitting together more beautifully than I ever imagined, and I am ever so grateful.

Mr. Karlberg's article was hugely inspiring to read. I recommend checking it out at his blog... http://agencyandchange.com/

heart is His home

2010-03-05T20:04:00.000-08:00

"O SON OF BEING!
Thy heart is My home; sanctify it for My descent. Thy spirit is My place of revelation; cleanse it for My manifestation."

(Baha'u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words #59)

I can't tell you how many times I've read this Hidden Word...hundreds of times probably. Today, for the first time in my life, I feel I understand it on a new level.

It is the fast. The fast is my favorite time of the year, not because I like not eating, but because I love the challenges this time of year offers me. I feel like every year I grow by leaps and bounds in this 19 day period. Baha'u'llah has shared with us that at this time of year there are special forces at work.

"Thou hast endowed every hour of these days with a special virtue, inscrutable to all except Thee, Whose knowledge embraceth all created things. Thou hast, also, assigned unto every soul a portion of this virtue in accordance with the Tablet of Thy decree and the Scriptures of Thine irrevocable judgment."

(Baha'u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha'u'llah, p. 143)

It's only day four of this fast and already I feel like a new person, literally.

I've been consciously struggling for over a year with something very personal. Truthfully I've been struggling my whole life with it, but not until last year did it become a conscious quest. My quest is that of self-worth, building my self-worth so that I see myself as part of the one human family I have seemed to exclude myself from. Last week I had something happen that shocked me awake, caused me to recognize that I cannot dilly-dally anymore and today, just a few hours ago, I did just that.

Prayer has always been an extremely personal experience for me, and I've never talked about this with anyone before, but I feel it's worth sharing at this point. In the past, when I pray, I pray to the Unknowable Essence as a Source outside of myself. When I pray I focus my thoughts and energy on Bahji, where Baha'u'llah is buried. I look at a corner in the room and focus on Him, out there somewhere. Well, tonight I did just that as I collapsed to my knees in complete humility and meekness. I cried out loud, beseeching His assistance, His love, His grace, His forgiveness, His bounty. I asked Him to wrap me up in His mercy like a warm blanket and transform me like I was in a cocoon of His beauty. This went on for about an hour and culminated in me seating myself to recite the Long Healing Prayer. For those of you who don't know, the Long Healing Prayer is a prayer that Baha'u'llah wrote that contains many of the names of God, that we call upon for healing. As I recited this prayer, I again was focused outside of myself, at the corner of the room and lost the connection I had while I was using my own words to call out to Him. It's a fairly long prayer and about a page and a half into it something shifted inside of me and as I recited each name I focused on my heart...

"Turn thy sight unto thyself, that thou mayest find Me standing within thee, mighty, powerful and self-subsisting."

(Baha'u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words #13)

As I recited each name, I felt Him inside of me, in my heart, His home and I started to weep tears of joy. I continued to read each name of God, the All-Loving, the All-Beauteous, the All-Wise, and I felt Him there, in His home, in my heart. After a couple seconds I felt my heart literally tremor, it was almost as if it jump-started itself and then it beat with a strength and a courage I have never experienced before. I contined to recite His names, the Most Merciful, the All-Knowing, the Majestic, and I felt as though I was finally allowing my heart to be sanctified for His decent.

The quote I started this post of with mentions that we should sanctify our hearts for His decent, I didn't understand what that meant entirely. I used to think that I had to work to clean away the impurities deposited there by myself over the years. To sanctify means "To make holy; purify" and what better way to purify my heart than to awaken and accept that my Beloved Baha'u'llah is there, inside of me, already. He's been waiting, extremely patiently, for me to wake up to that simple truth for 27 years. And the moment I turned to Him, as though He was already there I reconnected to a part of my Self that I had disconnected from so long ago.

We are told through out many religious traditions that our Creator is within us. Maybe I'm the only one, but I knew this, and yet I wasn't acting as though it was true. I was putting effort into cleaning my heart so that some day, some day down the road, He might not be too disgusted by what is in there. I've been trying to clean it up for Him, and feeling as though I was failing at it. Tonight I realized that the most effective way to clean my heart for Him is to recognize that He's already there, He has always been there.

"O SON OF DUST!
All that is in heaven and earth I have ordained for thee, except the human heart, which I have made the habitation of My beauty and glory; yet thou didst give My home and dwelling to another than Me; and whenever the manifestation of My holiness sought His own abode, a stranger found He there, and, homeless, hastened unto the sanctuary of the Beloved. Notwithstanding I have concealed thy secret and desired not thy shame."

(Baha'u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words #27)

Our hearts are where God dwells in this realm. Of all of the amazing creations, the mountains, the stars, the blades of grass, the human intellect, of all of it, He created our hearts as His home...and I've been looking everywhere but there for His support and guidance. I reconciled that tonight, and even though the prayers I was saying have ended, the feeling that He is with me "closer to you than your life-vein" (Baha'u'llah, Gleanings, p. 326) is still present.

I don't know if any of this will make sense to anyone else. I certainly hope it doesn't confuse you more, but this was a profound discovery for me that I wanted to share. Thanks for reading :)

conflict

2010-03-04T16:09:00.000-08:00

I LOVE CONFLICT!!!

I never thought I would hear myself say that...
I grew up hating conflict, HATING CONFLICT. HATING!! conflict.
I thought conflict was to be avoided at all times, at all costs...because it hurt. It hurt me, it hurt people I love, it hurt people I don't know and may never. And hurting was the worst idea.

Somehow, this term, my perspective on conflict has changed. Conflict is an absolute necessity in life, in fact it is one of the only constants in our lives, so why do we fight it so much rather than embracing it? I ran from it, I ran long and hard, but it didn't matter, I wasn't fast enough or invisible enough. It always caught up with me, or cut me off at the corner just as I thought I was getting away.
And I'm SOOO glad it did!

As a Baha'i I know that tests are the means for our spiritual development.

"Be not grieved; tests lead to the development of holy souls and the ardor of the flame of fire causeth the pure gold to shine and the violence of winds is conducive to the growth and thriving of a firm and well rooted tree."

(Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v2, p. 297)

It is through conflict that we grow. Conflict is friction. We can run from it and lose opportunities for growth, or we can turn to it and use it. We discovered fire by friction. A car gets from point A to point B by friction. Any sort of polishing is done by friction.
This is why tests are a bounty, these tests are the friction that lead to our polishing, and I don't know about you...but I want to be as smooth as they come :)

"The more difficulties one sees in the world the more perfect one becomes. The more you plough and dig the ground the more fertile it becomes. The more you cut the branches of a tree the higher and stronger it grows. The more you put the gold in the fire, the purer it becomes. The more you sharpen the steel by grinding the better it cuts. Therefore, the more sorrows one sees the more perfect one becomes. That is why, in all times, the Prophets of God have had tribulations and difficulties to withstand. The more often the captain of a ship is in the tempest and difficult sailing the more greater his knowledge becomes. Therefore I am happy that you have had great tribulations and difficulties . . . Strange it is that I love you and still I am happy that you have sorrows."

('Abdu'l-Bahá, Star of the West, vol. XIV, no. 2, p. 41)

This is also why it is imperative for each of us to speak what we believe in our hearts to be true. We must maintain humility, of course. But during consultation we must share our perspectives...

"The shining spark of truth cometh forth only after the clash of differing opinions."

(Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 87)

Conflict is an absolutely necessary part of life...and I love it.

come

2010-02-13T01:14:00.000-08:00

Do you know who you are?
When you look in the mirror do you see what I see?
Recognize...
You are a radiant light, a brilliant star, a flourishing vibrant fruitful tree.
You are an angel
and you are not earning your wings,
you are simply learning to use the ones you already have.
You are a gift to the world.
You are a gem that sparkles and dances, lit from within.
You are noble...
remember you are noble.
You are love.
You are beauty.
You are truth.
I see this in you.
It does not come from the things you've done,
or the things you haven't done.
It does not arrive when it is recognized.
No, you are innately timeless in your glory.
You are born into and out of beauty.
You were created as a single wave on an ocean,
to dance and laugh and express all the days of your life.
So come dance, laugh and express,
it is what your heart has been longing for.

learning

2010-01-26T00:46:00.001-08:00

Things happen in our lives that don't always go according to plan. Sometimes we have our eyes, minds, and hearts set on something that either doesn't come to fruition, or it seems to continually be out of reach. In my case I feel like I've been driving a car too fast over speed bumps and therefore I need to get my alignment checked. I could become disheartened by this self-imposed need to slow down and readjust, but I'm not.
You see, each test, each trial, is an opportunity to awaken to a part of myself that I've either forgotten or neglected to develop. I recently conquered one test only to be immediately faced with a new, more challenging one. Allah-u-Abha! This new test hit me like a ton of bricks and caused me to pause, check myself, realign myself, and refocus my energy.

A very dear friend of mine shared some beautiful insights with me the other day. She said that an airplane, when it flies from one city to another, say Portland to Hawaii, is off course 95% of the time...95%! That's SOO much time spent off course, and yet it 99.9% of the time lands exactly where it set out to land, usually right on time. When it's flying the computer constantly recalculates due to wind speed, turbulence, altitude, etc. There are constant factors knocking the plane off course, just like there are constant tests facing each of us every day. The plane arrives at it's destination because the computer and the pilot work together, we can stay our course if our mind and heart work together.

So I face my tests, continually striving for internal balance. Always thankful for the opportunity to grow more into mySelf.

In my Conflict Resolution class we've been talking about how the constant in our lives is that conflict will always be there. The task is to learn the tools each conflict offers us so we can maneuver the obstacle course of life with grace and poise.

I'm learning.

Short Story By Terry Dobson

2010-01-06T01:45:00.001-08:00

THE TRAIN CLANKED and rattled through the suburbs of Tokyo on a drowsy spring afternoon. Our car was comparatively empty - a few housewives with their kids in tow, some old folks going shopping. I gazed absently at the drab houses and dusty hedgerows.
At one station the doors opened, and suddenly the afternoon quiet was shattered by a man bellowing violent, incomprehensible curses. The man staggered into our car. He wore laborer’s clothing, and he was big, drunk, and dirty. Screaming, he swung at a woman holding a baby. The blow sent her spinning into the laps of an elderly couple. It was a miracle that she was unharmed.
Terrified, the couple jumped up and scrambled toward the other end of the car. The laborer aimed a kick at the retreating back of the old woman but missed as she scuttled to safety. This so enraged the drunk that he grabbed the metal pole in the center of the car and tried to wrench it out of its stanchion. I could see that on of his hands was cut and bleeding. The train lurched ahead, the passengers frozen with fear. I stood up.
I was young then, some 20 years ago, and in pretty good shape. I’d been putting in a solid eight hours of aikido training nearly every day for the past three years. I like to throw and grapple. I thought I was tough. Trouble was, my martial skill was untested in actual combat. As students of aikido, we were not allowed to fight.
"Aikido," my teacher had said again and again, "is the art of reconciliation. Whoever has the mind to fight has broken his connection with the universe. If you try to dominate people, you are already defeated. We study how to resolve conflict, not how to start it."
I listened to his words. I tried hard I even went so far as to cross the street to avoid the chimpira, the pinball punks who lounged around the train stations. My forbearance exalted me. I felt both tough and holy. In my heart, however, I wanted an absolutely legitimate opportunity whereby I might save the innocent by destroying the guilty.
This is it! I said to myself, getting to my feet. People are in danger and if I don’t do something fast, they will probably get hurt.
Seeing me stand up, the drunk recognized a chance to focus his rage. "Aha!" He roared. "A foreigner! You need a lesson in Japanese manners!"
I held on lightly to the commuter strap overhead and gave him a slow look of disgust and dismissal. I planned to take this turkey apart, but he had to make the first move. I wanted him mad, so I pursed my lips and blew him an insolent kiss.
"All right! He hollered. "You’re gonna get a lesson." He gathered himself for a rush at me.
A split second before he could move, someone shouted "Hey!" It was earsplitting. I remember the strangely joyous, lilting quality of it - as though you and a friend had been searching diligently for something, and he suddenly stumbled upon it. "Hey!"
I wheeled to my left; the drunk spun to his right. We both stared down at a little old Japanese man. He must have been well into his seventies, this tiny gentleman, sitting there immaculate in his kimono. He took no notice of me, but beamed delightedly at the laborer, as though he had a most important, most welcome secret to share.
"C’mere," the old man said in an easy vernacular, beckoning to the drunk. "C’mere and talk with me." He waved his hand lightly.
The big man followed, as if on a string. He planted his feet belligerently in front of the old gentleman, and roared above the clacking wheels, "Why the hell should I talk to you?" The drunk now had his back to me. If his elbow moved so much as a millimeter, I’d drop him in his socks.
The old man continued to beam at the laborer.
"What’cha been drinkin’?" he asked, his eyes sparkling with interest. "I been drinkin’ sake," the laborer bellowed back, "and it’s none of your business!" Flecks of spittle spattered the old man.
"Ok, that’s wonderful," the old man said, "absolutely wonderful! You see, I love sake too. Every night, me and my wife (she’s 76, you know), we warm up a little bottle of sake and take it out into the garden, and we sit on an old wooden bench. We watch the sun go down, and we look to see how our persimmon tree is doing. My great-grandfather planted that tree, and we worry about whether it will recover from those ice storms we had last winter. Our tree had done better than I expected, though especially when you consider the poor quality of the soil. It is gratifying to watch when we take our sake and go out to enjoy the evening - even when it rains!" He looked up at the laborer, eyes twinkling.
As he struggled to follow the old man’s conversation, the drunk’s face began to soften. His fists slowly unclenched. "Yeah," he said. "I love persimmons too…" His voice trailed off.
"Yes," said the old man, smiling, "and I’m sure you have a wonderful wife."
"No," replied the laborer. "My wife died." Very gently, swaying with the motion of the train, the big man began to sob. "I don’t got no wife, I don’t got no home, I don’t got no job. I am so ashamed of myself." Tears rolled down his cheeks; a spasm of despair rippled through his body.
Now it was my turn. Standing there in well-scrubbed youthful innocence, my make-this-world-safe-for-democracy righteousness, I suddenly felt dirtier than he was.
Then the train arrived at my stop. As the doors opened, I heard the old man cluck sympathetically. "My, my," he said, "that is a difficult predicament, indeed. Sit down here and tell me about it."
I turned my head for one last look. The laborer was sprawled on the seat, his head in the old man’s lap. The old man was softly stroking the filthy, matted hair.
As the train pulled away, I sat down on a bench. What I had wanted to do with muscle had been accomplished with kind words. I had just seen aikido tried in combat, and the essence of it was love. I would have to practice the art with an entirely different spirit. It would be a long time before I could speak about the resolution of conflict.

Terry Dobson

Final Project in Peace Studies

2009-11-30T19:30:00.001-08:00

This is what my Peace Studies professor said regarding my final project...

"Your work is first-rate, using the course materials very proficiently and connecting to your own interests quite well. You are a fine writer and our world is much better for your perspective and practice."

This is the paper I wrote as my final project for my Peace Studies class...

Feminine Values

The Transformation of Society

“The creation of a peaceful and sustainable world civilization will be impossible without the full participation of women in every arena of human activity. While this proposition is increasingly supported, there is a marked difference between intellectual acceptance and its implementation.

It is time for the institutions of the world, composed mainly of men, to use their influence to promote the systematic inclusion of women, not out of condescension or presumed self-sacrifice but as an act motivated by the belief that the contributions of women are required for society to progress. Only as the contributions of women are valued will they be sought out and woven into the fabric of society. The result will be a more peaceful, balanced, just and prosperous civilization.”
Baha’i International Community office of the UN (Khan: 105)

Today, we look around and hear talk of peace on every channel, from every government official and regarding every nation. Yet everywhere around us we can see the disintegration and destruction of present day society. We see the upset of the global economy, HIV/AIDS sweeping across the planet, international healthcare falling to the wayside, and the education of children taking a backseat to the ambitions of power-hungry individuals as wars continue to break apart families and destroy lives and resources all while the suffering of innocent people goes unnoticed. Efforts are being made to stop the wars, to feed starving children, to cure illnesses and to battle an ever-increasing desire to blame someone else for our problems; however it seems we have hit a wall. As we continue to try the same techniques that our fore-fathers attempted, we repeat the same cycles of success and failure we have all become accustom too.

What is peace exactly? What is it we are all working so hard to achieve? Peace, in the positive sense, is “the establishment of life-affirming and life-enhancing values and structures,” (Barash: 2) and according to Galtung, “a pattern of cooperation and integration between major human groups” as well as “social justice.” (Murakami: xii) Peace is more than an end to war; it is the realization of our inherent strengths as individuals that link us together with the global community. Peace is a means of achieving a unified populace. It is an awakening to the concept of the oneness of mankind and the realization that the security of the world starts inside each one of us. Jonathan Schell said that “the united will of the human species to save itself from destruction would be a force to be reckoned with.” (Barash: 91)

So what does all of this mean? Does this mean that peace is not possible? Does this mean that the efforts being made in the name of peace are in vain? What might we, as a global society, be missing that may advance and further the cause and quest for peace? Margaret Mead said that “war is…inevitable unless we change our social system and outlaw classes, the struggle for power, and possessions; and in the event of our success warfare would disappear, as a symptom vanishes when the disease is cured.” (Barash: 20)

Wars are a symptom of something far worse that is infecting the global consciousness of mankind. If we break down what Ms. Mead is saying we see that she is pointing to the root causes of war—our social system, classes, quest for possessions and power, which are all a part of the patriarchal structure that exists today throughout the world. A patriarchal society is a society in which masculine approaches to action and reflection are the standard by which we all live. If we examine some of the casus belli of contemporary wars, we can observe religious differences, conflicts over natural resources, misunderstandings between personalities, and disputes between corporations and governments as being major factors. All of these causes of war are quests for power, and striking out, as we do in war, is a personal reaction to the fear of losing it.

If we look at the values of a patriarchal society, where competition and individuality prevail, we see that a hierarchy is created, one in which power is at the top. Therefore, he who controls the power controls all. This structure also creates in those on top a greater sense of fear for he who controls the power—whether it be in terms of natural resources, people, land, etc.—has the most to lose. The response tends to be to act out and fight for what we can’t stand to lose, or to strike out and try to gain what we feel we need in order to gain and maintain power.

Why are we so afraid to lose power? In a patriarchal society we, as people, are defined by what we have, what we gain and accomplish. Our sense of self is tied up in the outside world. This creates a sense of fear in people that we are not living up to our potential. All of this fear leads to each individual feeling insecure, regardless of whether the world is secure or not. Tatsuro Kunugi said that “security is…a necessary condition for peaceful and convivial existence. Absence of security or deficits in the provision of security—both real and perceived—create contexts and situations that undermine the trust and other conditions to sustain positive relationships among various actors.” (Murakami: 13) We like to point our fingers to outside circumstances and say that because of them we are not safe. Kunugi said that security threats can be “real” or “perceived,” and I am venturing to say that the perception of fear starts within our own person.

If this is true, and our sense of security—peace within one’s self—starts inside the individual, how then are we able to make a shift from fear to peace? How can we get to a place where power is not the ultimate objective?

We must make a shift from a patriarchal structure of society to a more balanced structure that integrates feminine values with the masculine values. This would mean that the feminine ideals of compassion, mercy, service, love and receptivity would need to be seen as equal and valid ways of approaching situations; in just the same way that the masculine ideals of strength, justice, sacrifice, aggression and power are today. It would require a shift from a hierarchical society to a cooperative society. It would necessitate a transformation of the individual members of society from that of incomplete/broken people to those of whole/fulfilled individuals. Betty Reardon emphasized this idea when she said, “as male and female genetic material converge in the conception of an individual human life, so must masculine and feminine perceptions, modes, and participation merge into a conception of a truly human society.” (Barash: 266)

This is in truth really a quest for equality. In today’s world the quest for equality between men and woman is underway. We have reached a level of equality in the United States that surpasses that of many other countries. Even still we have a long way to go to truly understanding what equality is. It has far deeper reaching implications than women simply having the right to vote, to education and to equal pay. True equality would mean that feminine values are seen as just as valid as masculine values; feminine approaches to viewing situations just as valid as masculine approaches. The Universal House of Justice stated that “the denial of…equality perpetrates an injustice against one-half of the world’s population and promotes in men harmful attitudes and habits that are carried from the family to the workplace, to political life, and ultimately to international relations.” (Khan: 59) ‘Abdu’l-Baha said “the world of humanity consists of two parts: male and female. Each is the complement of the other. Therefore, if one is defective, the other will necessarily be incomplete, and perfection cannot be attained…It is not natural that either should remain undeveloped; and until both are perfected, the happiness of the human world will not be realized.” (Khan: 166)This injustice is wreaking havoc on the entire population as seen in the patriarchal structure of society we live in. ‘Abdu’l-Baha also said, “as long as women are prevented from attaining their highest possibilities, so long will men be unable to achieve the greatness which might be theirs.” (Khan: 166) With the inequality that exists between men and women, neither man nor woman is able to reach maturity. In turn humankind is being held back from reaching maturity, and conflict persists.

If, in fact, the conflicts occurring around the world are symptoms of an incomplete societal structure, then the solution would be to complete that structure. Integrating feminine values with the masculine values is a way of healing the ailing system, moving from a posture of fear and insecurity to peace. Henry David Thoreau said that “there will never be a really free and enlightened State, until the State comes to recognize the individual as a higher and independent power, from which all its own power and authority are derived, and treats him accordingly.” (Barash: 197) This can be realized if each person shifts their sense of self-worth from the external world to the internal realm. If we balance the masculine and feminine within each of us we move from incomplete individual in need of fulfillment from some outside source to healed and whole individuals whose personal security is not threatened by the removal of an external factor because any individual who reaches that state knows their true wealth is within. If it is true that who we are, our true nature, is not defined by the actions we take and the choices we make but by an innate sense of nobility then we have a starting place from which to build a more secure and peaceful future. But how do we, collectively, move toward a state of individual completeness, with the intention of establishing peace within ourselves while simultaneously initiating peace in the world at-large?

The process is two-fold. The first process is based on the education of children, specifically girls, while the second process involves integrating feminine modes of conflict management into the current conflict resolution approaches.

The most important thing we can to do insure the security and peace of the future generations is to educate all children. It is vital that the future generations all know how to read and write as well as are proficient in math, science, and the arts. It is imperative that the future generations are brought up with a sense of self that is complete and not broken as all past generations have grown. We must endeavor to include moral and value based education in their development. It is incumbent that children, especially females, grow up knowing they are whole and complete and not lacking in anything. This does not mean that we should teach them not to strive to better themselves, but they must know that they are not to compare themselves to others, instead they should gauge themselves today based on yesterday. Children must grow up knowing that mercy and justice are viable options for handling a situation because they possess both qualities and that both qualities are equally important. They must grow up learning that, regardless of gender, they possess both masculine and feminine qualities and attributes and that they should value all of them. Rather than teaching boys it is “girly” to cry, they should be encouraged to embrace their feminine side. Rather than teaching girls it is “un-lady-like” to be vocal about something they are passionate about they should be encouraged to appreciate the fact that they have a voice to use.

Kunugi said that the Commission of Human Security “attaches great importance to…empowerment, it underscores schooling, especially of girls… (because) people protected can exercise many choices to develop their potential as individuals and as communities. And people empowered can avoid risks and demand improvements in the system of protection.” (Murakami: 16) Part of the reason it’s so vital to educate girls is because the females become the mothers of the whole of mankind, the rule makers, the peacemakers and the first educators of all children. If we want to have peace, we must make sure mothers are receiving proper education, and that starts way before they are mothers. ‘Abdu’l-Baha in the late 1800’s said that all people “should concern themselves with every means of training the girl children…to the end that these girls, reared in the stronghold of perfections, and with the protection of a goodly character, will, when they themselves become mothers, bring up their children from earliest infancy to have a good character and conduct themselves well.” (Khan: 189) If we are able to educate the newest generations that they are beautiful, whole, worth-while individuals they will grow into the peacemaker roles society so desperately needs. They will grow up with an awareness that our material gain and accumulation plays no part in the definition of who we are. They will know that we gain, not by taking from our neighbor but by offering a service to them. This education opens the doors to the true understanding of equality—the recognition of mankind as one family—for they will value all others and they value themselves. Not only will they be equipped to handle the conflicts of the time, they will also be working toward curing the disease of fear and immorality that is so prevalent today.

The second process involves integrating feminine qualities and values into the already established conflict management programs. First of all we would need to look at the conflicts that exist in the world through a new lens, a lens that includes feminine virtue. This requires that those doing the work strip themselves of all preconceived notions regarding women’s values as being “less than” those of men. Cooperation must be valued as much as competition. Mercy must be valued as much as justice. Effort must be placed on shifting the emphasis from control and power to consultation and truth. It is a balance between the masculine and feminine we are seeking. Justice without mercy is not justice, it is vengeance. Vengeance is what we see today as people fear losing power and control.

Terry Tempest Williams said that “the heart is the house of empathy, whose door opens when we receive the pain of others. This is where bravery lives, where we’ll find our mettle to give and receive, to love and be loved, to stand in the center of uncertainty with strength, not fear, understanding this is all there is. The heart is the path to wisdom because it dares to be vulnerable in the presence of power.” (Benjamin: 39) Balancing in ourselves the masculine and feminine awakens parts of ourselves we did not know existed. These parts are the components that complete us that we have been searching for outside of ourselves. As individuals searching for ways to manage conflict, it is imperative that we heal our own selves first.

If we look through the lens of wholeness, as opposed to masculine or feminine only we can start to see where conflicts originate—imbalances between the two. No two conflicts will ever be the same, for no two people are the same. If conflict management were to adopt a posture of learning as opposed to solving we just might be able to understand what is unique about each conflict, and in turn be able to devise a more suitable and appropriate means for resolving them. Conflicts revolving around land ownership may stem from a fear of losing one’s sense of ownership over that land, which is tied to control and power, which may mean the people not wanting to give up the land feel that their self-worth is attached to material possessions. Conflicts revolving around religious beliefs may stem from a desire to be seen as being right, tied to pride and entitlement that may mean the people involved are seeking validation for who they are. Regardless of what the issues actually are, all conflicts stem from imbalances inside each individual, which translate into societies and cultures. Each society has a value system in play and that system of values is not in balance if there is conflict. The main system flaw we find is that of the patriarchal system. This system is built upon the idea that power is the end-all-be-all for those involved. Betty Reardon provided a new, more balanced definition of power. She said that power is “the capacity to change, to change ourselves and our environment.” (Barash: 265) Yet even with this new definition of power, one uniting the masculine with the feminine, we are still in danger of holding to the patriarchal system. Power is at the center of every conflict and “we will truly have achieved a more feminine society when the question of who wields power is no longer important.” (Momen: 6)

Our quest then, is not to correct a broken system, which we see is a reflection of the state of humanity. Our quest is to find wholeness in ourselves, a quest for the maturity of mankind. Each of us must awaken to the truth that once we unite the masculine and feminine within ourselves, we can then begin to mature collectively. Betty Reardon said, “The maturity of such a peace system would be indicated by continuous reflection on and challenge to its rules and structures and by its capacity to change in response to new conditions leading to new stages of human maturation. Maturity is…the capacity to transform, and to bring forth new life. Transformation is the continuous process by which human beings exercise choice, change reality, and find meaning. Transformation is life.” (Barash: 266) It takes a recognition that inequality still exists in the world to begin to transform and progress away from it.

Balancing feminine values with masculine values will lead to more justice for all, it will lead to the peace and security of each individual as well as society and it will bring about proper education of children. It will contribute to the development and implementation of more productive economic and healthcare systems based on cooperation and service, and it will lead to a deeper understanding of the conflicts that currently exist which lead to war. Feminine values united with masculine values will provide the means with which to resolve the existing conflicts while also offering itself as a mechanism to view the causes of each conflict. As mankind advances toward maturity we are at the dawn of a global awakening, an awakening that will lead to the security of each individual, which will ultimately lead to peace.

Khan, Janet A., and Peter Khan. Advancement of Women A Baha'i Perspective. Baha’i Publishing:
Wilmette. 2003.

Barash, David.Approaches to Peace: A Reader in Peace Studies. Oxford Publishing: Oxford. 2000.

Murakami, Yoichiro, Noriko Kawamura, and Shin Chiba.Toward a Peaceable Future Redefining Peace,
Security, and Kyosei from a Multidiciplinary Perspective. Thomas S Foley Institute for Public
Policy and Public Service: Pulman. 2005.

Benjamin, Medea, and Jodie Evans.Stop the Next War Now Effective Responses to Violence and
Terrorism. Inner Ocean Publishing, Inc.:Maui. 2005.

Momen, Moojan.In All the Ways that Matter Women, Don’t Count.Baha’i Studies Review, vol 4.1. 1994.

Desiderata

2009-11-17T18:22:00.001-08:00

A friend shared this with me today, I thought it was worth sharing too :)

Max Ehrmann

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

favorite day

2009-11-16T17:09:00.000-08:00

I’ve been very blessed in my life to have some of the most amazing friends. One of these friends I met in Los Angeles while working at Viking River Cruises. At that time I was going through painful lessons and not once did she judge me-in fact she was able to see the truest person that I am standing on the other side of the pain and her encouragement and support assisted me in uniting myself with myself…if that makes any sense.

This friend came up to visit for a few days. One of these days in particular will stick out in my mind as a favorite for years to come.

It was a two hour drive from my home, in Portland, to the shores of Cannon Beach on the coast of Oregon. The drive down highway 26 was beautiful. The trees were wonderful shades of reds, oranges, and yellows. The sky couldn’t make up it’s mind and would cloud up and rain one minute, and clear up and be blue skies the next. We drove, we laughed, we listened to oldies on the radio and sang along to our hearts content. We saw a rainbow.

Once we arrived at the cute little city of Cannon Beach we explored. The sky was mostly clear and the wind was bone-chillingly cold. The streets were lined with quaint family owned shops, some sold locally made art, some sold organic coffee, while others were full of Christmas trinkets and others still were chock-full of homemade treats.

We set out for the beach and with very little trouble found what we were hoping to see…Haystack Rock.

The tide was in, the sun was shining, and the wind stung our faces. It was beautiful. We walked down to the beach and had some fun with the camera :)

There was a spring in our step. We giggled. We sang. We explored. We were happy.

Hopping back in the car we ventured north some and entered a forest where fairies, if they exist, live.

Then we drove south some and found a small beach called Arcadia Beach and it was breath-taking.

It just so happened that the tide was going out so we were able to walk right up to the rocks, explore in greater detail, laugh some more at the random wave that came a bit closer than we expected, and stand in awe at the violent yet peaceful ocean right in front of us.

We then drove around a bit more, seeing a few more views of the ocean and ended up returning to where we started…Haystack Rock. The tide had gone down tremendously.

And we were able to walk up to it, exploring the cracks and crevasses, finding giant starfish, sea anemones, shrimp and jellyfish. We found a cave at the side of the rock. We chased the waves back and forth. And then I became transfixed by the violence of the ocean waves, the serenity of the shoreline and the tranquility of the sky.

It was so invigorating and peaceful all at once. We soaked up the beauty as much as we could and said our goodbyes to Haystack Rock.

We headed back to Portland feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, healed and happy. We laughed. We listened to and sang along with music neither one of us ever listen to, and yet it was perfect. It had been the perfect day. And I am so very happy to have spent it with such a wonderful, true friend.

Thank you Melanie :)

how do I “be”?

2009-10-17T00:18:00.001-07:00

What does it mean to be a “hollow reed from which the pith of self hath been blow”?

Why is “truthfulness the foundation of all human virtues”?
Why is it that “without truthfulness, progress and success in all the worlds of God are impossible”?
AND, why is it that “when this holy attribute is established in man, all the divine qualities will also become realized”?!?

Why are we to seek “…to be nothingness itself”?

Are these ideas connected? And if so how does one lead to another, and in which order?

I won’t claim to know any of the answers to these questions.
Here are my thoughts anyway :)

How do I define truthfulness? Is it as simple as not lying to those around us, or is it deeper than that? I think that the truthfulness talked about in the writings of the Baha’i Faith is a level of truthfulness yet to be fully realized. I see truthfulness as authenticity. Truthfulness means to be completely honest with myself and my Higher Power about who I am, how I’m feeling, what I want, what I know I shouldn’t want, what I want anyway, what I am doing, what I know I should or shouldn’t be doing, what I will be doing or not doing anyway, etc. It is laying all of me out on the table for myself and Baha’u’llah to see, not hiding anything, for I believe He knows anyway. The test then, is to acknowledge that which He already knows.

“O HEEDLESS ONES!
Think not the secrets of hearts are hidden, nay, know ye of a certainty that in clear characters they are engraved and are openly manifest in the holy Presence.
(Baha'u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words)

“O FRIENDS!
Verily I say, whatsoever ye have concealed within your hearts is to Us open and manifest as the day; but that it is hidden is of Our grace and favor, and not of your deserving.
(Baha'u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words)

After all, I believe my heart is His home, so why would I want to keep all my stuff in there, blocking the way for Him?

“Thy heart is My home; sanctify it for My descent.
(Baha'u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words)

In the process of acknowledging my truth something mystical happens! I clear the way, I clean out all of my Lindsey-ness and am then open to Him. It’s as though my being utterly honest is an offering of humility, at least that’s what it turns into. You see, I think that when I am able to be totally honest with myself and My Lord about every aspect of who I am I see that every quality I love about myself is of Him.

“I bear witness, O my God, that Thou hast created me to know Thee and to worship Thee. I testify, at this moment, to my powerlessness and to Thy might, to my poverty and to Thy wealth.
There is none other God but Thee, the Help in Peril, the Self-Subsisting.
(Baha'u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha'u'llah)

Why do I testify to my powerlessness and to His might? Because the only way His might can flow through me is if I acknowledge my nothingness, clearing the way. Powerlessness and poverty are forms of nothingness and if I want to be a hollow reed, a “clear channel” that His love can flow through, I have to clear myself of my self.

“When he attains to this station (humility), the confirmations of the Holy Spirit will surely reach him, and man with this power can withstand all who inhabit the earth.
(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith)

How can I be authentically humble if I am not entirely truthful with myself?

“Truthfulness is the foundation of all the virtues of the world of humanity. Without truthfulness, progress and success in all of the worlds of God are impossible for a soul. When this holy attribute is established in man, all the divine qualities will also become realized.
(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith)

When I am truthful inwardly I have recognized and admitted to who I am in this moment, once that has been done it’s as though I now can see the rock sitting in my way. Once I am no longer in denial about the rock I am then capable of making plans to continue on my way up the mountainside. And I am able to see that I’m not doing it all by myself for it is His strength and His might that will assist me.

“Turn your faces away from the contemplation of your own finite selves and fix your eyes upon the Everlasting Radiance; then will your souls receive in full measure the Divine Power of the Spirit and the Blessings of the Infinite Bounty.
(Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks)

If I am able to be honest with myself I then find a sort of conviction in who I am because of my acknowledgement that all of my glory comes from Him and that I am nothing without Him.
After all, He “hath made being to come forth from nothingness.” I acknowledge my nothingness and look to Him and that’s how I clear the way to “be”.

authenticity rocks my world!

2009-10-14T15:42:00.001-07:00

This mediation thing is really coming in handy :)

I decided to meditate again today using the meditation I talked about before and here is what I came up with…

“I wish to understand Patience in the context of my life.” I repeated this three times to the gatekeeper, this time the gate keeper was a little fairy that sat inside a lantern at the top of a simple wooden archway. She nodded at me to enter through the archway and upon entering I saw a lush green world, I felt like I was in the forest in my backyard. The trees were reminiscent of the ones you would find in the Northwest (in the film Twilight) with their rich greens and thick moss draping along the trunks. I walked forward and saw a little cottage with blue shutters on the windows and a chimney. Beyond the chimney I saw a clearing; it seemed to be thick with fog. I entered the house and was astonished to see a large eye at the top of the far wall, an active, blinking eye. To the right was a bay window and out the window I saw a turbulent sea smashing upon the rocky shoreline that stretched for as far as I could see. Across the sea there stood a majestic mountain, it’s top shrouded in fog.

I turned back to the eye and said, “Ok, beautiful, what does any of this have to do with patience?” The eye looked down at me and a voice replied, “All this ‘is’. It didn’t try or work to become. It became by being. You search and search for the connections between Truthfulness and Patience, Love and Justice. Lindsey, you know ‘knowledge is a single point.’ Do you know what that point is?” I answered, “no” and the voice responded “it’s you.”

“You are that point Lindsey and you are connected to every other human being on this planet, all of you are that point. By you being you allow all others to do the same.”

I stood in shock for a moment and then the voice came back and said, “regarding patience, look at the mountain out that window, you can’t see the top of it right?” “Right” I said. “You don’t know what it looks like but you know it’s there, and the fact that you can’t see it isn’t going to stop you from training to climb it if that’s your intention. In fact, it will push you train harder to be prepared for the unknown.”

“Being Truthful is being Patient is being Lindsey.”
”You are all of these attributes, and keeping me, your mind’s eye, focused on Baha’u’llah is all you need to ‘do’ in order to ‘be’.”

At that the eye asked me to climb up to where it was and look through it. I did, and in doing so I was allowed to see the top of the mountain; the clouds and fog had cleared away, the water had become calm and serene and the entire scene was peaceful.

I don’t know if any of this will resonate with anyone, after all it’s what I needed to hear in this moment. I do not know if we, as humans are the point that has been multiplied by the ignorant (Seven Valleys by Baha’u’llah), but as it was spoken to me in the moment it was spoken a sort of peace and calm came over me. A calmness that helped me understand that patience and truthfulness are the same thing as long as I am being authentically Lindsey.

a forest of fairies

2009-10-08T19:31:00.001-07:00

Anytime someone mentions meditation I get an image in my head of myself, sitting in silence, being totally bored by my random thoughts. It is equated with a feeling of frustration because my mind can be quite loud and my understanding of meditation is that of silence, peace, awakening.

Before I left LA I was given a copy of a CD by Kathy Grammer that includes three meditations. I’ve had it here with me for a while, I’ve looked at it from time to time but only used it for the first time a couple days ago. My relationship with meditation has shifted because of this experience.

First I listened to the explanation of how the meditation would go, I had chosen to do the “Attribute Journey Meditation” and this meditation was geared toward personal discovery of a virtue of the listeners choice. I chose Truthfulness.

Now, stepping aside for a second I want to explain something about myself. I struggle just like every other human being. Each of us has our own personal tests, some of them we hope no one will ever find out about. Currently much of my energy is devoted to understanding Truthfulness, as well as implementing and integrating it into every facet of my life. It has been a weakness of mine, one I hope will become a strength over time.

So I chose Truthfulness as my virtue to focus on in this meditation. I wasn’t sure how a cd could help me meditate, I thought meditating was something done privately, without words. Well, it was explained that this meditation was going to be more of a visualization or a dream that had guide posts. She said that it was the task of the individual doing the meditation to find the metaphors in the visualization. The guide posts were simple. I would have to come up with an intention, a sentence, a question that would be asked to a gatekeeper before entering the dream world. The intention needed to be recited three times. Once into the dream world there would be a house. The instructions were to take note of everything, the colors, the smells, the textures, all of it means something. I was instructed to go to the house and look inside, taking note of the environment, the size, the shape, what was on the walls, everything, and then to ask any object I wanted whatever I wanted until I was satisfied that my question, my intention had been realized.

So I started my meditation.
I laid on my bed, in the dark, and listened to the music carry me away. In the visualization I started toward the “gatekeeper.” The gate was made of ivory, it was large and beautiful with a softness to it. The gatekeeper himself was a little old man. He had a very long beard, it was white and he had a large pointy hat on his head. He wore a purple cloak; I felt like he was Merlin or something. I repeated my intention three times, “I want to understand the role of Truthfulness in my life.” He nodded and I proceeded through the gate. Once on the other side I was in a magical forest. It was so dark, lush, beautiful hues of green and brown. The canopy was so thick no sunlight broke through. There was so much green. It felt like the type of forest you would find fairies in. I walked a little ways and I came to a beautiful little garden with purple, white, and blueish flowers. The garden surrounded a little log cabin. It was a simple cabin. I entered the cabin and everywhere I looked, everything I saw was made of wood. The furniture was wood, the counter was wood, the picture frames on the walls, even the antlers were made of wood. It was all so delicate and precious. I noticed a window to the left and I went to it. Out the window down the hill the sun struck some vibrant green grass, and as I saw this I broke from the images a bit and started to cry. I ran out of the cabin, down the hill to the opening and it was glorious. It was a little clearing where a babbling brook ran, the sky shown bright blue, the sun was radiating such warmth and there were some deer enjoying it. I looked around and said out loud, “This is beautiful, but what does it all mean? How does this help me understand Truthfulness?”
A voice replied, “How do you think this pasture and this cabin came to be built? The trees were cut from where you stand, they were lugged and tugged up this hill and then this cabin was built. You see, there are two beautiful things that exist now due to what, at the time, seemed to be a nuisance."
I climbed up the hill to the cabin again and went inside. I looked around and said that I understood but how did it affect me and my quest for truthfulness considering how I didn't feel like my cabin was built. I said, “I feel like I'm still chopping down trees and pulling them up the hill, and I'm tired of people telling me I'm not me yet, and that they want their old friend back.”
The voice replied, “You know what you are building, you also know that it is a process. Be truthful about where you are in the process because you know what lies ahead, you know what you are paving the way for. Trust in that and be honest with yourself and others. That is all that you need to do, that is the only action that is required of you."
At that I said thank you and ended the meditation. I sat up, in the dark, and was filled with a lightness. I realized that for me this part of my journey is about being “okay” with where I am in my process, and not just okay but consecrated in the knowledge that I am in a process. I know what I’m building, I know what I’m working toward, and the confidence I have in myself through this process that will come through me in the form of Truthfulness regardless of how many trees are left to be cut down or pulled up a hill.

I am me. I’m in the process of becoming, and I’m becoming by being Truthful.

Dreams

2009-09-29T23:36:00.001-07:00

I am feeling inclined to share a dream I had once, I think it can be applied to everyone's life in one way or another.
Dreams for me bring a greater awareness of feeling, meaning the intensity of whatever emotion is present is far greater than I've ever experienced in waking life. This dream was no different, in fact it was the most intensified of any dream I have had.

When it started off I was in a very stale hall. The building itself was a mix of a high-school, with all of its lockers lining the halls, and a nursing home, with very simple rooms. It was all white and there weren't many people there. However in-spite of it's staleness there was an electricity in the air, an overpowering feeling of "He's coming" radiated throughout my body everywhere I went. The expressions on everyone's faces were very telling, He was in fact coming. I was sent to a small room and told to set it up for Him. So I set to work, every cell of my being aching with anticipation and desperation. I was so eager to see Him, and so overwhelmed at the thought of not having the room perfect. I straightened blankets and pillows on the single twin bed. I pushed an old wicker rocking chair into the corner, opened the curtains to the lone window, and placed a single yellow rose on the night stand. That was all too the room. Then I was told to wait outside the door. There was a row of five of us waiting. The energy in the air kept increasing in excitement as the anticipation of "He's coming" kept growing and growing. I've never felt anything like it before. After what felt like a life-time of waiting an entourage of little Persian men came around the corner. One right after the other looked up at me and smiled. I made eye contact with each of them and then He came into view. My eyes were glued to His, I could not pull away from His gaze. He smiled at me, nodded His head, laughed a little jolly laugh that echoed through my very core and disappeared behind the closed door. My head was spinning...it was as though I was flying in the air, breathing under the water, and experiencing the entire cosmos all at once. The pureness of the love that emanated off of Him was staggering, words could never do it justice.
The door opened as the five of us stood there lost in our thoughts and a man peaked his head around the corner and looked directly at me saying, "'Abdu'l-Baha would like to see you now." Immediately I moved forward into the room, all I could think was, did I set up the room correctly? I walked into the room to see Him sitting in the rocking chair, rocking and laughing as He looked me in the eyes again with such love and tenderness and motioned for me to come to Him. I obeyed, kneeling at His side. He started to tell me something in Arabic, there was a translator there but it wasn't necessary, somehow not knowing Arabic I could understand Him. He asked me if I was happy and I replied that yes, indeed I was. He smiled, reached for my hand and said He had a very important task for me and asked if I would be willing to help Him. I said, "Absolutely! I would do anything for You!" He clapped His hands around mine and said "Good! Lindsey, I need you to find Lucy and bring her here, it is very important that you find her and bring her to me before the sun sets." I stood up with such a sense of purpose I have yet to experience in waking-life, and promised to fulfill the task He had set before me.
I left the room with such determination, nothing was going to keep me from fulfilling what my Master had requested of me. I started asking everyone I could find if they knew who Lucy was...no one had heard of her. I went looking EVERYWHERE. Anywhere I could think of, asking EVERYONE I came in contact with if they knew of Lucy, where she was, where I could find her? Nothing. My determination had turned to dread as the sun was about to set. I felt like an utter and complete failure. The one thing that was asked of me I was not able to do and so I went back to His room feeling defeated and worthless.
I was crying as I entered the room. 'Abdu'l-Baha was standing next to the window, none of His caravan in the room with Him. I stood at the door, feeling ashamed, and He turned to me with a beautiful, warm, soft smile in His eyes and he beckoned me to His side. As I started toward Him I said, "'Abdu'l-Baha! I am forever remorseful! I have not found Lucy, nor have I brought her here to You. I have failed You, I am sorry." As I was crossing to Him our eyes stayed connected and as I spewed forth my shame at having failed Him the love I felt from Him intensified. As I reached His side the truth of Baha'u'llah's words, "...both the tongue of my body and the tongue of my heart, my limbs and members, every pulsating vein within me, every hair of my head, all proclaim that Thou art God, and that there is none other God beside Thee" became evident. And He spoke to me saying, "Lindsey, you have done everything I have ever asked you to do."
And then I awoke.

In the words of Shoghi Effendi “To try, to persevere, is to ensure ultimate and complete victory."

I start classes on Monday…

2009-09-25T22:04:00.001-07:00

I graduated from High School on Mother’s Day in 2001. What a day that was : ) My future lay before me as an empty canvas beckoning to be painted any and every color I could imagine. I started at a community college in the fall of 2001 and due to a series of, at the time, unfortunate events I didn’t graduate when I should have, two years later. There was a mix up with a payment I thought I had made and so I needed three more credits to receive my Associate’s Degree. Well, I was quite upset because I wanted to move to Chicago and this made things difficult for me so I decided not to go back, I was done with school. I supposed I thought I could just wait tables until someone discovered my awesomeness or something. Eventually I did move to Chicago and decided to attend Northwestern University’s College of Continuing Studies to receive my AA in 2005.
Now, up until this point I was dead set on becoming a Marine Biologist. When I say ‘dead set’ I mean ‘dead set’, I had decided at the ripe old age of five that I wanted to save the manatees and that stayed with me until my second term at Northwestern. I was working at the Baha’i House of Worship and while there I realized a deep passion I have for connecting with people. Not a simple, let’s talk about who we really are connection, but an intricate peeling away of layers of preconceived notions of who we are until our minds are blown at the awesomeness inherent in all of us. That kind of connecting.
So I was working at the Temple and going to Northwestern and I came to terms with the fact that I had to change my major because I was changed. I decided that I wanted to instead focus on psychology with a bit of gender studies too (I didn’t know why gender studies, at least not until later). Now, Northwestern is a fantastic school and had I been going like a ‘regular’ student and not a continuing studies student I probably could have worked something out with the Advisors so that we would all be happy. However, it wasn’t the case. And rather than spend money on a degree that I felt wouldn’t give me everything out of my college experience that I wanted I stopped going…hey, at least I had my AA to speak for : )

Well, a few months after leaving school I was miraculously invited to apply to go to South Africa as a Diplomat to study Conflict Resolution. Umm…I still do not know why I was invited or who nominated me and I probably never will, I do know I am ever so thankful for the opportunity to connect with my true Self overseas. After my friends went above and beyond to help me finance the trip I left for South Africa and, well, that’s another topic. I will say that I found deep inside of myself an innate awareness I feel I possess regarding the impact masculine and feminine attributes have on how the world creates and resolves conflict.

With that mind-blowing discovery about myself I returned to the stated to live in a new city, half way across the country from where I had been making a home and a career for myself in Chicago. I was then in LA. My time in LA was special. I was in a cocoon—transforming, growing, developing, changing, etc. I lost sight of parts of myself that were important to me just enough to feel lost on the inside, disconnected from my Truth.
With the help of some incredibly important people I was able to find myself, reconnect to the passion of my heart and the mission of my spirit and I started looking for schools again. I found one in Portland that spoke to me and I jumped at the chance to attend NOW. Knowing myself I decided I had to do everything in my power to be admitted for this term, Fall of 2009…eight years after I stared work on a Bachelor’s, for if I didn’t I would be running the risk of not going back at all. I found PSU and applied on August 10th of this year. I moved to Portland on September 1st of this year. I was accepted to PSU on September 17st of this year. My financial aid is set to be distributed this week. I trust it will, for I feel in my bones I have found the program I need. They offer a woman’s studies program that is very well rounded, allowing me the flexibility to develop the theories I have about masculine and feminine values of societies. They also require all Juniors to complete a series of three classes in what they call a ‘cluster’, meaning I have to take three classes from a different program not associated with my program, and they have a conflict resolution cluster that is Master’s level in the classes it offers. I also will have to complete two projects as a senior that involve work outside a classroom. One of them must be geared toward sustainable development of the greater Portland area utilizing what I am learning in my program while the other can be more personal, meaning I could technically start work on my Thesis and gain credit for it, which would also mean I would have something to show while applying to a Master’s Program : )

So I’m here. I’m registered. I will not have to work while in school should the money be dispersed without any hiccups, God willing. All of my credits transferred so I only have to take my required classes. And this term I am taking a Psychology of Woman class, and both Intro into Woman’s Studies and Intro into Peace Studies.

I start classes on Monday, and I couldn’t be happier : )

Whirlwind…

2009-09-18T00:29:00.001-07:00

…that’s what this past couple weeks has been. I moved to Portland because of school, not having actually been admitted to school. I didn’t know anyone. I had never been here. I moved in with a family I didn’t know…today I was admitted to PSU, I’ve been exploring this city and falling in love with it, and the family I live with is wonderful!

This whirlwind keeps spinning and growing in size.
You see, I like to model. It’s fun for me. I’d never been paid to model, it was always a hobby. I did photo shoots, runway shows, etc and I did it all for free in part because I loved it, but also because I didn't really think I should get paid for it...

So I didn’t model in Los Angeles. I did two photo shoots with friends, some of the photos I still haven’t seen yet. I was in LA for over two years and I didn’t once really exert myself.

I get to Portland, and in less than two weeks I have managed to book myself a PAID photo shoot and I got an interview with an agency that wants to sign me. AND they are modifying the contract for me because I’m being picky : )

So what’s the difference? Why is this happening now rather than in LA? Some might say it’s confirmation that this is where I am supposed to be, especially since LA seems more of a modeling city as opposed to Portland. Perhaps.

I tend to believe the reason it’s happening here is that I am applying myself, which is something I didn’t do in LA. Now, maybe the fact I am applying myself now is confirmation that this is where I am supposed to be. Because, honestly, in LA I was focused on creating a stable internal environment and didn’t find the motivation to exert myself on much of anything externally. Because of this I let a lot of really wonderful things pass me by.

So is me applying myself now confirmation that I’m in the right place? Well, yes and no.

No because I don’t think it has too much to do with Portland. It’s a lovely place, beautiful scenic landscapes, good food, nice people…but everywhere I’ve lived I’ve had that in one form or another—so I don’t think it’s necessarily the place…

…but if by place we are talking about internal spaces, then yes. Yes it is confirmation I am in the right place. All that work I did in LA is paying off. All of the sacrifices I made and all of the effort I put into dusting off the mirror that is me was worth it because I am in a fantastic place IN MYSELF. Me applying myself and making things happen is confirmation that I am finally stepping up and taking charge of BOTH my internal and external environment. And these things started taking shape about two months before I left LA and have been steadily building and manifesting in my life since then.

I can truthfully say that I have the utmost confidence, not necessarily in myself, but in the fact that (and it is a fact) God will grant me everything I need…everything. All I have to do is trust my heart, be honest with Him, and put one foot in front of the other.

I like this whirlwind I find myself in, I feel like I can see most everything from here. And what I can’t see…well, I trust it’s exactly what/where/who/why/how it should be : )

my brushstroke is my prayer

2009-09-10T10:30:00.001-07:00

“I rejoice to hear that thou takest pains with thine art, for in this wonderful new age, art is worship. The more thou strivest to perfect it, the closer wilt thou come to God. What bestowal could be greater than this, that one’s art should be even as the act of worshipping the Lord? That is to say, when thy fingers grasp the paint brush, it is as if thou wert at prayer in the Temple.”

‘Abdul'-Baha (Creative Circle, pg 61)

“…when thy fingers grasp the paint brush, it is as if thou wert in prayer in the Temple.”

I love my Faith.
I have read quotes from the Baha’i writings before that reference art and work being synonymous with worship, but reading “…when thy fingers grasp the paint brush, it is as if thou wert in prayer in the Temple” takes me to a whole new level of understanding.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to spend some quality time in prayer at the Baha’i House of Worship in Wilmette, IL. There is a mystical quality to the ‘art’ of prayer that takes on a new dimension when practiced at the Temple. For me it was as though my spirit was cleansed of impurities as I walked into the Temple, before prayers were even offered. Maybe it was that I treated the Temple as a space more sacred than any other I had be blessed to set foot in, or maybe there really is a special mystical power at work in that unique edifice. Regardless of what it is that is the cause, the effect is that I am transported to a place of pure love when I enter that building.

Painting is one of the only tools I have discovered that allows for a calm still space to unfold in my mind…effortlessly. I believe everyone has something that creates this space for them, whether it is singing, acting, dancing, rock climbing, star gazing, etc. Honestly my definition of art is anything one does with their heart full of love/open to love—a different topic.
I haven’t painted in a few years—again, a different topic—and yet I remember that calm still space very clearly. I know it’s there for me whenever I am ready to return. I’ve always felt that painting was prayer, or more like mediation—my mind entirely still, waiting for Wisdom to return home—in that there is a sacred space created while I am involved in the ‘art’ being revealed through each brushstroke. In the past I’ve only painted abstract; I never really had an idea of what I wanted to paint. Instead I would let the colors flow until I was satisfied with the piece that lay before me.

Today, I came across the above quote as I was looking through some boxes and it reconnected me with two things that are undeniably a part of who I am—prayer (at the Temple) and painting—and interestingly a few days ago I decided I wanted to start painting again…self portraits.
Well, sort of, I want to paint images that keep popping up in my mind of who I am. And this quote speaks to me and says that the act of painting is a prayer that is equally as acceptable as a prayer offered at the Temple…my experiences of prayer at the Temple slather a layer of emotion and intensity on top of the already potent act of prayer in and of itself. So each brushstroke will take me one step closer to God, each prayer will bring me one step closer to unveiling myself to…myself, and I will be painting…myself.

I’m starting to sound egotistical, but truth be told this has nothing to do with ego. My art is for me, it’s always been personal and private, just as prayer has always been. (Which may be why I’ve only felt comfortable painting abstract) I enjoy praying with friends, but the most heartfelt and earthshaking prayer sessions I have had have been just me with my Beloved. I doubt anyone will see these paintings, and I might just keep painting over the same canvas because at this point it isn’t about showing other people what I can do; it’s about reaching out to Baha’u’llah, returning home.

After all, “…when thy fingers grasp the paint brush, it is as if thou wert at prayer in the Temple” and praying at the Temple feels like home.

Paradigm

2009-09-06T13:31:00.001-07:00

“Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions. Most emotions are responses to a given situation. If your perception—what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms—what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn’t make it true. But even then, you don’t want to trust them more than (Him).”

I read a book called “The Shack” by WM. Paul Young during my trip up to Portland. This book is a fiction story about a man who looses his daughter in a tragic way and some years later he returns to the scene of the crime and meets God. From that point on there is a discussion that ensues between the man, Mack, and God (a heavy-set African-American woman by the name of Papa), Jesus (a Jewish man from the Middle East) and the Holy Spirit (a sprit-like Asian woman who loves gardening named Sarayu). I won’t give too much away because I do recommend that you read it on your own, however I want to discuss the paragraph above. This was taken from a part of the book where Sarayu is talking with Mack about his fear of emotions. She says to him that “(emotions) are the colors of the soul.”

I like the above paragraph from this book, as it helps me to remember to be aware. Awareness, it’s so necessary to life in this world and serves as a tool to always be truthful. Stepping away from the emotion I feel from time to time—I have had a tendency to get quite emotional—and looking at the perceptions I have that lead me to the emotions I feel, and then stepping back again to look at the beliefs I hold regarding the situation I find myself in serves as the bridge to the level of awareness I crave, the level of truthfulness I aspire towards.

In another part of the book verbs and nouns are discussed. Sarayu, the Holy Spirit, talks about how she is action, the verb, loving, sowing, climbing, dancing, singing, etc. She gives an example of the importance of verbs…

“Lets’ use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship. Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’—spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about your and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend.”

The point of the discussion in the book is to show the necessity of action as it requires relationship, specifically with our Creator. Sarayu also talks about responsibility and the ability to respond. She says that by giving us the ability to respond “each moment is different and unique and wonderful.” Because she is our ability to respond she has to be present (as the Holy Spirit), however if we were given a responsibility instead she would not have to be with us. “It would now be a task to perform, an obligation to be met, something to fail.”

All of this is quite interesting, again worth reading for the context of this entire discussion, but I’m left with a feeling of ease at the thought that (according to the author’s perspective) life isn’t about doing this or doing that, but being…being me, being Lindsey and following my heart, connecting with my Creator by having a relationship with Him; a living relationship that requires action on my part, but does not require living up to a standard I already know I am not capable of meeting. Instead I am striving, learning, growing, breathing—being.

Oh what a feelin’

2009-09-06T13:28:00.001-07:00

(written Friday the 4th)

I made it…

The road trip is over. On the 21 hour drive up to Portland I listened to an audio book entitled “Eat, Pray, Love”. I also read a book (not while driving) called “The Shack”. Each of these books had many spiritual insights, some I don’t personally agree with, others I do, and all I respect as they are someone’s perspective. I think structuring the trip this way helped me to be in the mindset I am currently in…Trusting.

I made it…

I’m in a new house, with new roommates, in a new city, in a new state, in a new climate, in a new community…and if I wasn’t Trusting right now I might loose it.
As soon as I pulled up the this cute little duplex on this cute little road on this cute little mountain I suddenly became overwhelmed with…something. I wasn’t sure what exactly, was I scared? Not entirely. Was I excited? Not really. Was I exhausted? Sort of, but not truly. Was I sad? Happy? Nervous? Content? Frustrated? Terrified? No, not those so much either. What was I feeling then? I was…intimidated. It was that feeling where everything you’ve been working towards has completed and there is a wave of “Oh shit! What have I done!” that washes over you. I was intimidated by the real-ness of it all. Not only that, but I was every kind of emotion I’ve ever experienced, all the while ‘knowing’ there was nothing to be extreme about. Trusting.
When I got here I waited for a bit for my new roommate and her children to get home. They have since then left for the weekend, leaving me three days to acclimate myself to this new house…this part of my life I am now living. I had spoken with Nadya, my roommate, and her two children on the phone many times before, yet meeting them in person at the exact moment I was already overwhelmed took me even further into my overwhelmedness. (They are absolutely wonderful, and I want them to know I am exceedingly happy to be living with them as I transition into life in Portland : ) Everything up until the point I drove up to the house had seemed like a dream. Suddenly, as I sat in front of the house, it all became real. It was now tangible. I had moved and this is where I am now living, and these are the people I am now living with.

I took some time to relax…about five minutes and then I got to work. I happen to live less than a mile from my current bank, my future bank, Best Buy, Trader Joe’s, Wal-Mart, Target, Home Depot, etc. So I took some time to run and grab some things I needed for my room. I built a bookcase. I set up my bathroom, pictures and all. I set up my closet. I typed this entry. And now I am going to pray…it’s been a long day. It’s been a long week. It’s been a long nearly 2.5 years. And yet, today those 2.5 years didn’t seem like enough.

Tomorrow is a new day. I have LOTS on my agenda for the next week so I am going to start situating myself in Portland. This move is more than just a simple relocation to go to college.
In a conversation I was having today with a dear friend an analogy was given to me that I feel represents the stage I am in in my life…

I am a vase, I have been molded from clay. Over the last few years all of the cracks have been gently (and not so gently) molded out of me. Currently I have been placed in the kiln to be set. This means that my shape, my true self, has formed. My look, my color can change; I can be a vibrant blue one day and a soft yellow the next, but Lindsey…the soul I am, is finally ready to take shape in the world and not be subject to the pressures around me, nor those from within.
I have become a woman. And I wouldn’t change who I am or the path I have taken to get here for anything.

A wonderful and insightful friend told me not too long ago that I have continually made life into a learning experience. Which is fine, it’s what I’ve needed to do. However, this move to Portland brings a new level to my life…it’s time for me to start living : )

Watch me!

The Journey Begins...

2009-09-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to “start fresh” or “begin again”? Why do we, at certain times in our lives, long to have a “fresh start” or a “new life”?

Well, I wasn’t looking to start fresh, nor was I looking for a new life…but I’m getting one.
On September 1st I started a journey. In the smallest sense, I’m driving from Los Angeles to Portland to relocate. In a larger sense, I am uprooting the life I was slowly (incredibly slowly) starting to build to start on a different path. In an even larger sense, I am continuing on my path just as I am supposed to, not “starting fresh” at all, but forging ahead with God’s love in my heart and His mission for me in my mind.

Over the course of this life I am living I have solidified beliefs I hold through experience. The experiences I had prior to Los Angeles brought me to Los Angeles. The experiences I had prior to Los Angeles, in conjunction to experiences in Los Angeles have lead me to this moment. A moment that consists of me sitting on a sofa overlooking an exceptionally beautiful view of Oakland California and writing these words.

So what has this journey consisted of thus far? Well, I had a spiritual experience in Sequoia National Park with one particular tree…

I came upon this tree while wondering through the forest. I sat next to it to say some prayers and realized that this Sequoia has existed since long before the inception of my Faith. Many of the Sequoias in this Park are over 2000 years old. At that thought, I meditated on life and experience and age and what truly matters. If I was 2000 years old, having seen the rise and fall of empires, have seen the invention of things that, at the time, changed the face of the planet only to have it become outdated and unimportant when something else is invented to replace it, the things that would be important to me are loving those around me and being of service to them. This thought wasn’t a new notion, or a profound change in my understanding of who I am. It was a thought that solidified even more the understanding that is already there…so I thank this tree for offering me an experience that has brought a deeper levels to the beliefs I already held.

This forest became a part of me while I was there. These trees, in all their glory became my family. There is a lot we can learn from Sequoias. For example, no matter what the landscape is like, they will ALWAYS grow straight up. I saw a tree that must have sprouted out from under a very large bolder, and it arched itself around it to grow toward the sun at high-noon. Also, their root system is shallow and yet it spreads out along the surface, interlacing with the other Sequoia trees, in essence they grow together, becoming one organism. So these trees serve as an example to me of how to be. I want to, no matter what obstacle there may be in my way, continue to grow straight toward my life-source. Also, even though we all appear to be separate individuals, under the surface we are all connected.

Last day in LA

2009-08-31T09:57:00.001-07:00

I am all packed up and ready to go!

Yesterday I woke up at 8:30 and loaded up my car with all of my earthly possessions. It’s quite full, however I still have space to see out my back window and my passenger side window. My roommate and I along with the help of a dear friend worked on cleaning the apartment from 10 am until about 4 pm, including a quick lunch break. The apartment was spotless so we showed it to the maintenance man and handed in our keys. I was the last one to leave at around 5 pm. It had been such a long day that I took it easy last night and went to a movie.

Today is my last day in LA. I have some errands to run and I need to get my car checked out before my road trip. I’ll finish that up quickly and do my best to enjoy the little time I have left here.

It’s been a short couple of years, and on one hand I am sad to go. But space cannot disconnect hearts, and I have some strong heart connections here in LA so I trust that the dear friends I have here will be dear friends for life.

Thank you to everyone that has touched my heart in some way, big or small, no matter. I am a better person for my experiences in LA. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Thank you.

smiling faces

2009-08-28T22:31:00.001-07:00

As I watch the clock tick down the days to my departure from LA I think back on how things were when I left Chicago...
Chicago was my home, for so many reasons. It was the city I met "my family", the Temple is there, I started to develop and understand my abilities as a servant of humanity, and it was my first time truly on my own. I was there for 2.5 years and when I left it felt like I had been there forever. I had a going away party at my apartment the night before my flight to South Africa and I remember looking around at all the smiling faces. Each one of them has a special place in my heart. Each one of them brought so much joy into my life. Each one of them laughed at me as one of my dearest friends played a video of me dancing on the wall for all to see...priceless. It was a night of laughter, tears, hugs and eating gluten-free cake.

Tonight, I sit here in my nearly empty room and I come back to the present. Last night was my good-bye IcePan extravaganza. It was very different from my party in Chicago. The people here mean so much to me in different ways it's hard to explain. While I was in Chicago I learned about who I was in my service. While in LA I've learned about who I am as Lindsey. Before tonight I would have said it had been a rough 2.5 years, but now I look back and experience joy for all of the experiences I've had here. The friends I have made have taught me so much, and opened my eyes in so many ways. Those friends I have been blessed enough to have with me in both LA and Chicago have seen me at my best and my worst, and still they love me through and through. My heart is swollen with love and gratitude for every opportunity I've been given to learn and grow and become me.

I was told not that long ago that what I've been doing thus far has been living learning experiences...this is true. I was also told in the same breath that what awaits me in Portland is a life that will simply be lived. : )

So I sit here and think about all of the smiling faces I love so deeply and profoundly, and I can't imagine my life without each one.
I take all of them with me, in my heart, to start on the newest leg of this journey called life. And I couldn't be happier!!

Dawn of a New Day

2009-08-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

hmm...I've contemplated starting a blog for many years and it never felt like quite the right time to start...until now.
It is the dawn of a new day in my life; it is a time of many 'firsts'.
Some of my firsts may not seem like much, but for me, each one of them are stepping stones, brilliant milestones leading me to full-filling my purpose...whatever that may be : )

So, what are these firsts?
Well, I bought my very first camera. I've never owned one before, every picture I have has been taken by those closest to me.
I bought a laptop, also never owned one before. I've had computers, but they've all been second-hand refurbished computers that weren't up to par with what I wanted to do with them. So I built a Dell online and will have that shortly!!
I am moving on my own...this is the big one. I've moved on my own before, but I've always moved into a place with people I know, people who could assist and support me in my transition. I am going to be moving to Portland from LA, and I don't know anyone there. It's quite thrilling really, to know that it's all on my shoulders to make my life happen.
Also, this move is the first move that is entirely for me. Any big change in my life has been associated with other people. For example, my decision to attend a community college rather than go to a University right out of high school was to be closer to my bff. I moved to Chicago to be closer to the friends I had there. My move to LA was to be closer to someone I deeply cared about and wanted to get to know better. My move to Portland is vastly different from any of these previous major life choices in that I am going there solely for myself. There is no attachment to any other person. I am moving to get back into school and figure out what it is that I am here to do. I am driving there myself, a bit of a walk-about, a soul-journey if you will. And I couldn't be happier about it!
Sure, I'm sad to leave LA, I have wonderful friends here, I love the weather, and I do feel I didn't take full advantage of what the city could have offered me, however, now is not the time for being sad about what did or did not happen. Now, it is the dawn of a new day, and my life, my well-being, is at stake.
So I start my adventure, and what better time to start a blog than right now. It's a time for 'firsts' and so it is...a time to manifest an abundance of joy in my life.